My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

Party like you were invited.

"I listened with the heart beater to your cold heart and I heard ice cracking because there was ice on your red heart and I heard cracks." -Matthew Roll, 6 years old

Balloons are so weird... "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

The way this dog acts, you'd think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

Password must contain at least one capital letter, the meaning of life, 14 of your favorite baby names, the Hamlet plot summary and a hug.

Why don't you make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy, then use that energy to fcuk off.

We should have been sword fighters we are so good at missing the point