Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

I imagine being present at the dawn of an apocalypse would feel somewhat similar to watching the clock tick away on a Sunday night.

The secret of life is to like who you are.....in spite of yourself.

So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

"ISS: The only class that gives you experience in 'Ninja Sleep Training'"

Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! He's under a blanket."

I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

I don't procrastinate. It's just....Eh I'll explain tomorrow. - Myself