My hidden talent is letting all of my homework and other obligations pile up until the very last minute so i can crack under the pressure and have a mental breakdown

You wanna be an air force ranger, you wanna live a life of danger, you don't wanna get raped by strangers.

I can have my cake & eat it too, why? Cuz I baked that B!

For as smart as I may be I balance it out with all my stupidity.

That moment when your mom is waking you up and freaks you out saying its noon and you jump out of bed to see that its actually nine :p i hate that

Whenever i take a drink and miss my mouth, i sit there with a wet chin and contemplate every failure i've had in life

It's high time we realise that it takes one sperm, not a man, to fertilise an egg

I swear I've gained like 2839789237891273 pounds this summer.

Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.

That moment when you have so much shit to do that you decide to take a nap instead.