We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

Have you ever been so broke you tempted to ask god if you can have the refund for the payment made by Jesus on the cross for your sin??

We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

Regardless of your age, 10 years from now you'll want to relive your present age for one of two reasons: 1. It was awesome. 2. You wasted it.

LOL @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got cokc blocked by Visa!