When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait.

You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can't figure out which one the music is coming from. FML

A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

I'm outta here like a deaf kid in a game of musical chairs.

Friend laying on my arm: "Why are you vibrating?"

Me: "Didn't you know I come equipped with a pleasure setting?"

My entire drawing table burst into laughter.

I see you, spider... I see you hiding in the corner all flat and pressed against the ceiling... My old foe, I will find a way to get to you...

That awkward moment when you have characters in your book fighting and you get all worked up writing it