What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus.

Fox News: Fair like cancer, balanced like Louis XV

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

The cashier at the store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

You can't shut a good poet down, if they shut up

I'm the poet who didn't know it, my wife uses a brush, an Artist in no rush!

Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

When a drunk girl in her 20s screams, "Oh my God, I love this song!", you can be sure that song sucks.

This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.