Nothing faster than the speed of light? That's a lie. Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a pic that makes her look fat.

I'm not saying you're ugly, I just can't believe that anyone had sex with you on purpose.

I'm not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity. :/

George W. Bush named The Very Hungry Caterpillar as his favorite childhood book. It was published when he was in his 20s

My ex just called me and wants to meet up she said , "We should hang out to and just go crazy " Me - " I can't , and besides you already have a headstart " ... She hung up on me

"I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"

*i kip on telling my frendz about u.. how u tok, how u laf, how uv touched my life.. then dey asked .."san b makakahanap ng isang 2lad nya?" i answrd: "mandaluyong loob, unang ward sa kanan!" hahaha!*

Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim.

Batnipples

LOL @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got cokc blocked by Visa!