At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

HELP !!

I am just 74 years old and every time I look in this mirror there is some OLD man looking back at me.

I hate these Antique mirrors !!

Twitter = Unfollow. Facebook = Unfriend. You = Unforgettable.

My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

The problem with the world today is that the smart people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

Teens, you should not be getting drunk. You're annoying enough as it is.

Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.