Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.

Balloons are so weird... "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

I know I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go fcuk yourself. Whichever.

Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

"Don't let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father's actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

And what about all those Weight Watchers. Really, what a bunch of losers!

Through the trailer park,pink & blue curlers,red polish toes 'tween cotton balls,wax legs & my lip. Good I's at Bea's. Spied you hook up the trailer & go out of my life. Took that first turn too fast. What's that called again? A jackknife?

Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

The way this dog acts, you'd think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.