Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on someone else's saved game

Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! He's under a blanket."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs.

I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every cat purchase.

Please, do feed my ego.

If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I'm not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It's that easy.

A penny saved... usually wears a hole in my pockets if I don't put it in a piggy bank