I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker.

Depresso; the feeling you get when you've run out of coffee.

Thank you God for Tampons.

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

Size does matter-just ask Pluto.

Say no to drugs! Then again, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably already on drugs.

The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I'm not falling for that.

When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...

When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.