Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

I've been single for a while and I have to say, it's going very well. Like... It's working out. I think I'm the one.

Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait.

You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.

Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn't been born yet.

That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can't figure out which one the music is coming from. FML

A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?

Why can't things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you're my girlfriend.