Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

Hey girl, are you calculus? Because you're hard to understand and seem pretty useless in the greater scope of my life goals.

"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you held up my cat in the air and started singing The Circle of Life!

You had me at 0 mutual friends.

Whenever I take a girl out on a first date I always shake her hand with my left hand because I don't want her to meet her competition just yet.

My new girlfriend is taking forever to exist.

Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.

No matter how good are you at something... There's always an Asian kid did it better than you.

Askhole; The person that always asks for your advice but does the opposite of what you told them.

You know you're bored when You Google yourself