I love the sound you make when you shut the fcuk up.

I've been single for a while and I have to say, it's going very well. Like... It's working out. I think I'm the one.

She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.

Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn't been born yet.

Why can't things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you're my girlfriend.

Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110"

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don't have to hear what she's talking about.

Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.

Forget not how to live...

Friendship is really weird. Like, you just pick some humans you've met and you're like, "Yup, I like these ones." And you just do stuff with them.