Love isn't blind. It's retarded.

Dear girls: The sooner one of you bites the bullet and becomes my girlfriend, the sooner I leave the rest of you alone. #Takeonefortheteam

Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

I'm not saying you're ugly, I'm just saying you're about 8 beers away from being my type.

I just did some calculations and I've been able to determine that you're full of sh*t.

Asks: What do you do if you see your ex running around in your front yard covered in blood screaming for help??
A: stay calm, reload, and aim better.

I am like the wind, I am hard to catch.
But trust me, I am a good catch.

Old ladies sag
Old ladies nag

If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage, you are not girlfriend material.

IF YOUR PANTS WERE A .RAR FILE, I WOULD UNZIP THEM