I thought we were on the same page...until I realized we weren't even in the same book....

My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

Hey girl, are you calculus? Because you're hard to understand and seem pretty useless in the greater scope of my life goals.

You had me at 0 mutual friends.

Whenever I take a girl out on a first date I always shake her hand with my left hand because I don't want her to meet her competition just yet.

My new girlfriend is taking forever to exist.

Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.

Boy: want to go on a date?
girl: sure whatt do u want to do?
boy: go to the movies?
girl:what do u wana see?
boy:........you

:)

Her belt was hard-pressed to keep up her pants