Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

If Caitlyn Jenner can win woman of the year I see no reason why Donald Trump's hair can't win the Westminister Kennel Club Dog Show.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus.

Fox News: Fair like cancer, balanced like Louis XV

The cashier at the store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

You can't shut a good poet down, if they shut up

When a drunk girl in her 20s screams, "Oh my God, I love this song!", you can be sure that song sucks.

WARNING, Do not smoke near gas pumps! Your life may not be worth much, but gas is!

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.