What would you think.?

I put on that fake smile,
and thats the 'me' they know.
i don't tell anyone anything,
because the only thing trust has ever gotten me was hurt.
i don't want to be felt sorry for,
i just want people to understand.
i want to tell people who ' i ' am, but how are they going to handle it, if i cant handle it myself.
i want people to know me, for me take it or leave it.
but sometimes the fake happiness i put on everyday,
has its good sides.
facing reality has never been one of my specialties.
i wonder what people would do if they actually knew me.
what would they say, how would they act?
if they knew me how i knew myself.
what would you do if you knew anytime i smiled,
was one time i though about ending everything.
what if you knew, that every time I'm laughing, is one more tear that i cry myself to sleep with.
with every time i hug someone, thats one more thing i did wrong and can never take back.
i lost control, and i don't even understand who i really am anymore.
i know who i am, but i know who I'm not.
i know what i want and what i never get.
and i know what its like to loose everything.
and , i don't know about you..
but i know about me, and i am speechless as to what to say.
i know my life , and don't know what to do with myself.
i know myself , and how reality i hide completely destroys me.
i know how everything i once understood completely changed, and i didn't even notice.
what would you do, if you knew the other side of me.
the side thats not this fake reality that your so used to seeing everyday when you see me smile?
if you could see right through my life, into my thoughts.
and hear what i hear every night before i go to sleep.
and if you could feel what i feel,
i bet you would understand that you didn't know as much as you thought.
what would you think,
if you could see, hear, feel everything i did.
tell me.