I cried my first tear for you tonight.
As I read over your message, & seeing you
Write to her, as if she was me.
Laughing & talking to her like you would
Me like it was any other night.
Then, I got the urge to read more,
I got to one.. With you telling her you would have sex with her.
As I read further I felt my gut cringe &
The pressure on my heart began to grow from a
Little to a lot.
I went from the thoughts of you being different
To the thoughts of you all being the same once again.
I would say it felt like my heart was breaking,
But it felt worse than that.
The pain of my family, telling me you werent any different.
& with every word they said, I pushed them further & further away.
Not wanting to hear or believe what they were saying was true.
So in doing so, I ignored them & thought what I wanted.
At the beginning you seemed so different, you talked to me & made me feel things I have never heard or felt before.
The things you said, lifted me up & once I read your words
Of guilt, & easiness, it broke me & I fell flat on my face.
Breathing heavily & trying to pick myself up I felt all my weight go through out my body to my arms & legs.
Not being able to get up & dust myself off, was probably
One of the hardest things I have never been able to do.
So I laid there as the thoughts of you two together.
I tried to calm down, but my heart would not stop pounding.
As I looked around to find nothing but darkness,
Almost as if my eyes were shut, but they were wide open.
I sat there could not believe what was going on.
I was left with no family, & no friends.
Almost as if the world had walked out on me, & turned its back.
I had nothing, but you in the beginning & at the end.
I was stuck, stuck by myself, in a world I could not see,
Having trouble trying to breathe & noone being there to pick me up.
I thought a little less, & tried to breathe a little more.
As my chest stopped pounding, I could finally breathe & catch my breath.
I focused on me, & nothing else, I tried yet again to pick myself
Up once more, once I got up, it felt like the easiest thing in the world.
Then I began trying to make myself believe you liked me more, & saw
Me differently, would not work, no matter how hard I worked at it.
Believing you would not possibly as easy as it was in the beginning.
Working through the roughness & trying to fight the tears
That come every time I see you, or hear your voice.
I look at you & I see her face.
Every word you speak to me, I can not help
but judge & question it.
I do not know if what you are saying to me is true.
Or even plays meaning to you.
Maybe, maybe you have said to other girls?
Maybe, you are good at this catch & release technique?
Maybe ... There are no maybes.
The truth is what no one chooses to see, or listen to.
It is right there in front of you.
He is like them all.
He is the question to your prayers,
But not the answer.
He will seem like all you ever wanted.
But not all you will ever need.
He will make you feel like you cant live without him.
But that doesnt mean its true.
In the end, he doesnt just like you.
Every time he kisses, hugs, holds, talks to, thinks the same things, & more with you he is doing it with her too.
