Comments : Free

  • 16 years ago

    by BlueEyedMystery

    I thought pretty much all of the rhymes seemed forced. I think you could have made this much better if you did free verse, then you could say exactly how you're feeling without having to worry about the rhymes. I thought you could have also used more imagry, descriptive words. Maybe some metaphores. Try to express how you're feeling. Think to yourself "How am I feeling, what do I hear, what do I see?" It'll help you paint a better picture for the reader.

    I was trying to Be myself i was trying to be me, but all I wanted to do was to be free.
    ^^ Grammar mistakes. This is how it should be when corrected: "I was trying to be myself. I was trying to be me, but all I wanted to do was to be free." I've also got another suggestion on the last line I think it would sound so much better as "I was trying to be me, but all I wanted to do was set myself free".

    It was hard and I was doing my best, but all I was doing was fighting for the rest.
    ^^I didn't really get this line. What exactly were you fighting for? Try to be more detailed. Grammar: "It was hard. I was doing my best, but all I was doing was fighting for the rest."

    Everyone was saying I got try harder, but when I tried it felt like the day was getting longer.
    ^^ It sounds like you're doing what everyone else wants you to do instead of what YOU want to do. Grammar: "Everyone was saying that I've got to try harder, but when I tried, it felt like the day was getting longer."

    I started to get stressed out and losing my ways, then all of a sudden I realized it was the next day.
    ^^It sounds like you have so much stuff you need to do, and there's not enough hours in a day. Grammar: "I started to get stressed out and was losing my way, then all of a sudden, I realized it was the next day."

    That night i cried myself to sleep without eating dinner, and when I woke up the next day I felt much better.
    ^^Dinner and better don't really rhyme. Grammar: "That night, I cried myself to sleep without eating dinner, and when I woke up the next day I felt much better." I also think it would sound better if you left out the "much".

    That day I cried and cried then i realized I was trying so hard to be free but all I was doing was being me.
    ^^This line really confused me. I thought she was feeling better? If she was the why's she crying? Grammar: "That day I cried and cried. Then, I realized that I was trying so hard to be free, but all I was doing was just being me." Whao that's a mouthfull to read. I suggest taking some of the words out or breaking the sentence down somehow.

    To make sure you don't have as many grammar mistakes next time, re-read you poem, and if something doesn't look or sound right change it. I hope this comment helps improve your writing! :] And I hope I wasn't too harsh.

    Keep writing!
    Cayce