I thought pretty much all of the rhymes seemed forced. I think you could have made this much better if you did free verse, then you could say exactly how you're feeling without having to worry about the rhymes. I thought you could have also used more imagry, descriptive words. Maybe some metaphores. Try to express how you're feeling. Think to yourself "How am I feeling, what do I hear, what do I see?" It'll help you paint a better picture for the reader. |