Excellent. Very clever. I like this style of writing. You must be a great thinker. Be careful as to where your mind takes you, as mine has taken me to quite a few frightening places.

It's a beautifull poem
really great , keep writing like that,,

5/5

Very good use of tension! My stomach was tensed from reading this, bravo.

I like the 'fingernails squealing' line, really harsh.

'While gasping for breathe.' However should be 'breath' because 'breathe' is said 'breeth' and is the adjective not the noun.

Despite that little slip up, nice job. =)