Numb Pain

You wouldn't believe it the first time "yea right, shut up" but the second time you get a little nervous, but you wave it off. nothing happened..the third time you bother to look up and see the pale, shaken face of your friend, then one who you know is a horrible liar.

For some reason, you don't react. You can't react. Then the pain comes, and it stings, bites, and kicks the backs of your eyes forcing tears out, and punches your throat, adding physical discomfort with extreme emotional agony. I cried for such a short time..then I lashed out.

THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN! WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER!? WHY DID YOU DO IT!? Everybody looks at you with a face full of stone cold pity, their faces nearly eroded away, watching you like you had just done something very wrong. The pain won't stop, it's knocking at your door like a drunk looking for another home to wreck.

I sat down again, tears streaming down my face. I sat completely motionless and completely unaware of my surroundings, but all to knowledgable of the fact that the person that i had striven so hard every day to get a smile out of, to make her laugh, to keep her happy, had just taken the easy way out.

I was in my favorite chair, which i have gotten rid of since, just wondering why. The tears tried ran down my face and onto my lips, and it annoyed me, but i don't remember doing anything about it. All I cared about was that I had utterly and completely failed at the only thing I wanted to succeed at.

I wanted her to be happy. I still don't know why she did it, and there's nights that I still weep into my sleep and out of my dreams.

there's always a sort of numb pain to remember - will it happen again? will i fail again? will it be my fault? again?