We Were So Much Alike We Kept Repelling Off Each Other

Just go ahead and keep using those big words that you always loved to use. I know you think they cover up who you really are, but to me you're just an optical illusion that I've already figured out. Take a look at how we keep breaking down each other's barriers, and letting down our guards, only to put up new defenses. To be honest, I'm a little exhausted of this roundabout game, always ending up back where we started. So I look into your eyes to find answers to this doubt, and all I can think about is how sad my reflection looks in your eye, but maybe the tears I'm seeing are yours, and maybe you too see a saddened reflection of yourself in my eyes, mistaking my tears for your own.

Some people tend to learn faster than others, and some of us just don't want to learn, but when you were running I was taking baby steps, and I still needed training wheels, while you were already riding with the big kids. Sometimes I think we were so busy living in the moment that we forgot to look into the future, instead getting stuck in the past. You always tried to put my puzzle together, and I remember the night you told me you were still trying to figure me out. I don't think you ever did though. I say we never really did know each other, because we were always so far apart, that you never met the real me. We truly did hate reading between the lines, for we preferred to state the obvious, than to face the actual truth. We always thought we understood the world better than the others, so we chose an existence in which we were the only two who existed. We said we were the special two, but all along we were the ones being laughed at.

I'd never say I don't remember what we were, because right now, those are the clearest memories I have. I remember the late night talks, telling you that I loved crying in the rain, and you told me that I must bring upon my own rainy days and control all the thunderstorms. I never really understood what you meant by that. I remember the night you jumped onto the back of my car, and you told me to go. I know you didn't expect me to listen, and it scared you when you almost fell off, but I jumped out of the car and covered you in kisses just to take away the fear. We loved to wrestle under my sheets, and talk about the craziest things but that was just the way we liked it to be. You told me things that even your closest friends didn't know and I made you forget about the pressures you felt. Don't forget that dopey smile that never left my face when you were around, because you made me feel like I was great. You knew exactly how to make me tick, and you took advantage of just how crazy I was, but you were crazy too, and I also knew exactly how to get under your skin. We always gazed into each other's eyes for far too long, and our kisses were far too quick, but I swear our hearts were never apart, even when we were.

We understood each other better than we understood ourselves, and I think that maybe that was the problem. You know I never really did get enough of you to hold onto forever. They say opposites attract but we were so much alike that we kept repelling off each other's thoughts and feelings, and the closer we got, the further we were pushed away. I must say that what we had was as perfect as a first love could ever be, but that's just it, it was only the first. As much as I wanted us to last forever, I couldn't help but think of how I knew we wouldn't, and I just didn't see the point in fighting to make something work, something that we knew was doomed to failure. Maybe it still hasn't occurred to you, but I was holding you back just as much as you were holding me. You said you'd never let me fall, but I knew I had to learn, and you always got angry at me when you tried to be serious and I brushed it off with a laugh, but I just wasn't ready to be what you thought we were. You changed me so much, not because of what you said, but because of the way you said it. I think you thought you were changing me into someone who would love you more, but didn't you ever learn that you shouldn't try to change people? Maybe that's the only I thing I learned faster than you, and when you changed me, my feelings for you changed too. I still loved you, just in a different way, but not enough to stay. Afterwards, you didn't have to say anything; I already knew you never wanted back your heart.

I know you don't believe me, but hurting you, hurt me just as much, and I guess you could say I broke your heart and my own, but I think mines only pretending to be broken, just like I pretended to be blind. And maybe I'm feeling that now that I can't have you I want you and I need you, but that's just me lying to myself again. I don't regret what we had or what we were, and those memories aren't fading anytime soon, but for now they are my past, and all I really I need right now is my future.

This truly is the furthest apart we've ever repelled, but putting aside all lies, I know it's for the best.

March 11, 2008