All of my surrounding fears mock my name
Calling out to me from opaque niches that others say don't exist...
They burden my mind... they rent my heart...
All I can do is cry and wipe my tears on my skin,
Wanting just one simple thing...
So inocent, this one thing seems...
Yet others treat it with contempt, and fault me for my hindered desires.
What's the use if I keep getting billowed over by these internal screams
What endevour will succeed of mine when all I can think about is the peace I feel when I can share my love...
And yet it's a disease to the eyes of others... an abomination to the One in Whom I believe.
Do you want to know what I think?
I could care less what others say... how they see me or how they would react... even to the point of death.
But I do care for what He thinks...
And if I can't rid myself of it, and can't even dare to want to, then who am I?
I'm sinking in this anguish, and still I have no answer from Him as to why it is an "abomination" to begin with...
Love is love, is it not?
Love isn't love simply because you "pro-create" or multiply.
That is a selfish thought of the ones who are so-called "straight".
But what about the ones who care so deeply they want more than anything else just to be with the one person they can look up to, the one in their lives who makes you feel like you can do anything, and who makes you feel at home wherever they are...
And home is where your heart lies.....
What's the use in this torment?!
Maybe I could disappear to make it all disappear...
I could become invisible...
But invisibility does not exist.....ever.
So why cling onto something that can save me, when I am hanging on the last thread and I am slipping because the rope thinks I am an abomination. All I have to do is not love her and I'm saved.
Do you know how insane that makes me feel?!
And after all this mess has happened...
I failed to show her in the very moment she needed me most.
and I no longer know if she'll ever feel the same anymore.
...I'm lost. and no one I know can understand it.
I can't type anymore. I just want to be alone.
I'm going to go take a long long walk...
