Loving you hurts

Amazing :)

Okay, I'm going to give you the criticism first, then say all the good stuff =]

- Capitalize your title

--As i sit here on my bed and cry
i cant help but wonder, why?--
- This rhyme is a bit overused, cliche or whatever.

--why i feel the way i do,
why i cant stop loving you.--
- I really like this rhyme, maybe not incrediably original, but I still love it.

--so many things run through my mind.
afraid to look and see what ill find--
- Love this rhyme too. Awesome.

--i concentrate on my knife,
hoping it will help me end my life. --
- I think it would flow/sound better if you took the "me" out of the second line. I don't know.

--cutting deep but not deep enough.
making a scar thats smooth, not rough--
- This rhyme is a bit forced

like the hole he left in my heart.
pain, up my arm, it darts
- I think this rhyme is a bit forced too...somehow the flow broke here for me.

--finding its target, my heart, it hits.
i feel it worse now, the depression, I'm in its mitts.--
- Again, sorry to be so repetitive, but I found it to be forced here too, but then also, I read it over and thought it was an amazing concept.

--out, of control, of myself
it took away my social wealth,--
- I think this just seems out of place, well the second line does. I don't know, I guess the wording seems out of place.

--now i hide away all day
wishing the world would go away.--
- I think you need a different rhyme for this because you said away twice, and it comes off weird, like it muddles the flow and the pattern.

Now, I actually really like this poem. While some of the rhymes seem forced, they do flow really well. And your title is perfectly suited, and it's one of those titles that makes me want to read the poem. You're poem was very enjoyable to read too. Like it was sad, and it brought out memories of my past and stuff, but you've definitely got talent. I didn't feel like I was reading just another poem that wanted a comment you know? It was definitely worth reading =]
Keep up the good work!
4/5.

Hey there,

Great, Great, Great
!

I love how you portray the emotions so strongly and the flow is wonderous

Realy nice words and nice flow you start it very good but at the end im knind of lost but still have the feeling 5/5

Okay , first off , start paying attention to your capitalization and punctuation . Not trying to sound rude . Lol . It just turns a reader off . Lol . I like the title , I can relate . You use commas well . In the right place and all I mean .

One thing you could do , is try and continue your thoughts on the same line . Some writers and readers like to seperate all that cos it has an " effect " on the way you read it . But to each man his own . Your rhyme is kinda forced . But the emotion is raw and real . So great job with that .

One thing though sweetie , do not kill yourself or even harm yourself over a guy . You may love him , but he is not worth it .

Amber .