It happened twice

No one knows the pain I felt...
The first attempt I was 14.
Time later I realized it was a dumb mistake,
but shame on me
I fell again
And there I reached the bottle of pills once more.
I tried again
and then I failed.
I kept asking what was it that made me so sad.
What was the reason for me wanting to die so bad...
With tears in my eyes,
I looked around for a reason.
I hated the fact that the reason was in front of me all along.
It was stupid of me and ashamed to say it happened twice.
I had found my reason for living and and my anti-suicide.