In-Between [The World Beneath Us]

Now this, These lyrics I found to be alot better then the last. I actually adore these lyrics as I felt the emotion to be much stronger and much more beautiful. You had an evanescence feel to this. Definitly what I was to see. Your chorus was amazing. Each verse came together nicely. I just really enjoyed this piece. You grabbed my attention with your amazing flow and nice vocab.

--[I fall...I will fall...I will...I will fall]--

and

--[And you stare from where I lay]--

Loved the effect you portrayed here from these lines.

Overall amazing. Well done. ~Mel

This was amazing!
I read it all the time.
I like this part best:

Hands are shaking. I'm too cold.
Words that sting are getting old.
Back and forth, our chime does move.
Either way we both shall lose.
You stare from where I now lay
Trapped inside our world's decay
Breathing fast, not fast enough
Building out becomes too tough

That Christopher really should read it! =)

It was deep,full of emotions ,
I don't think I will hear something like that in a while =)

Keep up ur Good work1 ^^

Well, I can't really comment on the flow because it's meant to be a song, and when sung it may sound better. There weren't many parts of it where I thought it was a tad bit off, but there was one or two - but when I read it aloud the second time it did sound better, so maybe sung it's just fine.

There was a beat to it, though. And, I absolutely love that. When you read lyrics and there is a beat to it, it kind of gives you an idea of it.

The words themself were amazing, especially the chorus, which I absolutely loved. (: And, it seemed to have great emotion to it, along with the feeling that you put a lot into it.

keep it up, dear.

(Im not a fan of commenting lyrics but I will try my hardest)

The hardest part about critiquing lyrics is that you haven't a perfect idea of how the person would sing or space our certain lines or phrases before reading the next part in line.

Chorus
In between the world beneath us
Hands that hold refuse to catch us
Reaching for foundation crumbled
Out of time, I'm breaking rubble
[And you stare from where I lay]

in poetry you probably couldn't get away with the us/us rhyme, but singing it out loud it seems that it works quite elegantly. The wording was superb, such a diversity of phrases/words that aren't used in everyday poetry, but yet they are simple enough for the common man/woman to understand.

The only true part that threw me off whilst I was reading was the fact that the puncuation didnt quite set a rhythm. In my personal opinion I believe that lyrics should have a comma when needed, it seemed like half the sentences would run on for a little bit and it would be up to my discretion on when to pause so that the flow wasn't disrupted. There are a few exceptions (VERSE 2 & 3)

In verse 2 there is repeated sentences back to back, which just makes it seem like it would have a longer pause for a more dramatic effect in the song. But that is only assumed.

In verse 3
It starts off almost exactly like verse 2, but then the end half seems to relate (style wise) to the first verse.

All in all it is an amazing peice of work. Throw a beat to it and record this and I will be the first to download it and listen to =).

Thank you for the critique on my poetry. Hope these lyrics are perfected soon, (as if it needs much work. Great Job)

-Bryce

You did are really excellent job, this poem was written very well. Keep it up 5/5