Ignoring the sound of his shill cries

should that b shrill?
very good...gave me goosebumps! lol
i especially loved the last line...5/5

I'm torn, much like the poem I have been reading lately. You have great depth in the one worded sentences and lines, and it broke up the poem in a nice format, but at the same time, I felt as though I were reading a story without the back story. I see the image of somebody out to get revenge for possibly being abused from their attacker from the title of the poem and the first line of the last paragraph, or even that this is the act of somebody close to the abused, but for what reason did this person have to attack back? Were there haunted pasts in those glassy eyes, threatening to break down the one who know held the gun and control? Were there moments of I-can't-do-this or was it strict anger burning at the edges of his or her heart that could not be put out, only ignited?

First off .. I loved the title! It really captured my attention and made me want to read more. I just loved how you used the one words descriptions. It truly made me peak into the mind of the narrator and see things through their eyes. The flow was just flawless here. Each word was well thought out and I could tell you put meaning behind everything you said. The dark and haunting imagery was flawless and truly took me to another world.

"
Static fills my head as I pull the trigger
I watch silently as his eyes grow bigger
Scarlet rivers run down his ghostly face
I saw his skin burst like a fragile vase"

^this was my fave stana by far because the words you used to describe everything was just perfect. It all fit in together flawlessly and created the image you wished to create.

Overall a unique and interesting piece that I enjoyed reading. Well done *5/5*

Don't forget punctuation; it really helps the flow.

Now, I liked it and I didn't. You tried, but I must be fair and honest and say it wasn't my cup of tea.
The rhyming seemed forced, but I really liked the "Mutilation.
Intoxication.
Motivation.
Obligation."
way you did it. Like, how you broke it up. Sometimes that really impacts the poem.

Not too bad, though.

xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 4.5

This too me is not my type of genre of a poem. But,naturally, my reaction to this selection of writing would be " is this person CRAZY". but when i read this elegant peom, i had no choice but to say " this person really is wonderfull" It has also come to my attention, that the way you chose the wording, it should be proffesionl. Cayce, your poem "The Obligation of a Battered Soul" is just beautiful.

/*<miabanda>*\

Wow okay, where to start. I'm not sure on the structure of this poem. It feels like alot of lines were forced to meet a certain length in stanza and threw off the flow of a few lines(e.g. For in this life, you can't press rewind). I, thought maybe the re-occurring pattern was syllables in the lines because a lot of the lines were 9 syllables long but then I began to question this belief because some of the lines were 10 syllables long and some were 8. So I'm not entirely sure why you forced it but perhaps you didn't mean to and it sounds good to you then more power to you. On a happier note, I really enjoyed the way you used the one word stanzas and used the median words to get from the first to last word. This phrase stood out to me the most
"My glassy eyes were his last farewell"
because it strikes an image that burns into your soul and the fact that you were able to construct that illusion and feeling in a single line deserves a thumbs up! Anyway, good poem overall the effect taken away from this poem is a lasting one. Keep up the good work
-Alex

In regards to what you asked me in your comment:

The poem first of all isn't personal, none of my poems are. I just use first person narrative to create a certain real-life flare that helps draw in the reader. Second, You got the themes down for the most part, Life is falling apart due to substance abusing, girl leaves and strikes the urge to self abuse, and a note is left behind after he snorts a line and kills himself.

I agree that it has flow issues but I didn't intended it to flow perfectly other wise I would have revised it. The poem instead of worrying about flow was supposed to follow a certain structure with a rhyme scheme of aab ccd eef gg

Game reference, Subject Verb Possessive noun
Free verse with alliteration
Left _o _allow my habits of (Bad Habit)
x3

Conclusion Stanza

A few thing's I did on purpose through out the poem to add even more complication to structure.

Substance abuse ---> _______ abuse -----------> Self Abuse ------> Self _______ -----------> Self Cessation(Ending)
So I used the three ending habits to link one to the other by transforming them word by word.

Wow...
I am in awe, this piece is completely breathtaking.
You caught my attention with effective first line and the whole poem literally took me in some other world.
I like the structure, it is original and you created truly great flow.
Your choice of words is superb, and the atmosphere that you created simply remarkable.
You told a story within a poem which is also fantastic.
Very original and refreshing piece, too.
Greatly done.
--5/5--

Hmm alright. Well.. the title is interesting, it definately brought me in and made me want to read the poem.

The first line.. I always read that if you're staring down the barrel of a gun, that is from the person that is being shots point of view, but maybe that's just me. I like the definite feel you have in your words. It's like you are sure that you know what you want in the first stanza, and I like that.

The third stanza - I like the imagery you created in this poem. The glassy eyes and shrill cries, they painted this picture well.

The fifth stanza - This would defiantely have to be my favourite line
'Scarlet rivers run down his ghostly face'
I like the metaphor, I've never read it like that before.

The last stanza - You say that this man will never hurt another soul, but you never said what he did wrong, it kind of confused me, yet left a bit of mystery to this piece as well. I like how you can make what you want of it. It makes the reader use their imagination. I know the word glassy is a good description for eyes, but you used it twice in this piece, I would've liked a different description here.

I definately liked the three smaller stanza's in between. They weren't pointless, like sometimes they can be in poems. These rhymed well and the words actually had good meaning behind them that fitted this piece well. Good job on that.

The overall flow, I stumbled a few times, but basically, it was nice and stead. The rhyming helped this, you did pretty well with it. A bit basic, but it wasn't crap.

Overall, I think this is a great piece. A unique write and I did enjoy reading it. Well done.

Tammie

A uniquely structured poem. Dark and emotional with vivid imagery!

I was absolutely amazed by this poem. So I decided to do a full critique... Hope you don't mind ;)

I'm staring down the barrel of this gun
Knowing his mistakes can't be undone
No regrets will flood through my mind
For in this life, you can't press rewind

^^ This opening was very descriptive of how the poem was going to go. It was a great opener and very effective.

Mutilation. <------ These lines made the
Intoxication. poems flow amazing!
Motivation. Also very effective :)
Obligation.

Staring out through my glassy eyes
Ignoring the sound of his shrill cries
His frantic pleading falls on deaf ears
I'm about to confirm his worst fears

^^ Effectively written. "Glassy eyes" adds a deeper meaning to the line. The 2nd line shows lots of emotion. The 3rd line was very well-written and deep. And the 4th is also very deep and shows feeling.

Static fills my head as I pull the trigger
I watch silently as his eyes grow bigger
Scarlet rivers run down his ghostly face
I saw his skin burst like a fragile vase

^^ Another great stanza. The 1st line is very creative and effective. The 2nd line shows more feeling. The 3rd & 4th lines are both amazing creative and effective as well. This stanza is truly breath-taking.

I hope he's with Satan, burning in hell
My glassy eyes were his last farewell

^^ This ending was fantastic! The feeling comes from the first line, and the depth comes from the second. Making it amazingly well-written.

I really loved this poem... It was so great! :) I was simply in love with it so much that I've read it several times. Haha... I'm a loser I know.... Very great write. 5/5 & I'm nominating it ;)

WOw, Great write. Had to add it to my favorites. Different style of writing but one I do love. 5/5

Title - I think the title is a bit long,
But thats just me. I like short titles, to grab attention.

Stanza one -
"I'm staring down the barrel of this gun"
Should it not be "he's staring down the barrel of this gun"?
It gives the impression the gun is pointed at you, Not the subject of the poem. Could just be me, But I find it misleading.
"For in this life, you can't press rewind"
I love that line, Its like your telling him to face his mistakes, You can't change them, etc. I also liked how you rhymed but didn't seem forced, I flowed.

"Mutilation.
Intoxication.
Motivation.
Obligation."

^^^ In this, I liked the idea of it, But I'd prefer if you could bring it back to the poem, explain it more instead of listing it out.
But I do like how it creates tension and makes me want to read on.

Stanza two - Your vocab here was great, You took chances instead of playing it safe but brought your rhyme back to simple words so it still had a flow.

"Screaming.
Dreaming.
Pleading.
Bleeding."

^^ This time I think you related it more to the stanza above it, and it worked very well.
I really like that, The reader themselves can expand in their mind. You don't need the background. Unlike the first stanza where I'd of liked to knwo what was going on.

Stanza three - "Scarlet rivers run down his ghostly face
I saw his skin burst like a fragile vase"
I think that is my favourite part of the poem. It really paints a picture, A horrid one, But dayum an effective one.

Lazt Stanza - "My glassy eyes were his last farewell"
I love how you bring it back to your "glassy eyes". It sums it up for the reader.

All in all, Good poem. (:
I gave you a 5, Because you asked for a rating.
But honestly, I think if the poet did their best all poems are worth a 5.
Just a number.

Good work, You have talent.
xx

Claps* I really like the set up of this poem. It was great! :D I think I may try a style similar to this. Anyways, I loved the poem and the words you used I adored. The last lines were really powerful as well. Five.

One i have to point out that i loved the title its awesome and i poem is outstanding i love this poem and i can relate to this poem my mom went through this and i just cant imagine how she felt and feels now great poem keep writing love tpo see more of you!

The stanzas themselves I really like, they were worded so well, but the bits inbetween I dislike a lot, they broke the flow, and to be honest, I don't think they were needed, sorry. Apart from them though, the piece was great.

Brad

Man, i hate to get you pissed off.
however i understand where your coming from. Your poem is wonderful
5/5

I really REALLY liked this one! :D It makes me remember of some anime or manga, but I can't remember which... But anyway, this was EXCELLENT!!!

Very eloquently written. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem because it is mysterious. One knows not the why you character is killing the other but they imagine the reason must be intense. I believe this technique adds charm to the poem.

The title of you poem is particularly alarming as usually one percieves a battered soul as having no goal, no life, just pain. So one is insantly aware that this 'obligation' cannot be positive and must in fact be rather macabre.

I enjoyed the alliteration in your poem,

Mutilation.
Intoxication.
Motivation.
Obligation.

And I especially like that you separated each word into it's own line. This is because you force the reader to pause at every line and meditate on what is truly happening. Very powerful.

"This man will never hurt another soul
Killing him had been my main goal
I hope he's with Satan, burning in hell
My glassy eyes were his last farewell"

I believe your last stanza is the most revealing in your poem. You are finally establishing your character as being somewhat of a hero. He in not just murdering, he is doing so in order to save others. That is a moral dilemma that I will not go into but just say that his motive, if nothing more, is pure.

"I hope he's with Satan, burning in hell"

This line I believe is somewhat of a cliche as it is one the reader has read many times before. I believe you can re-write that slightly to make it a more effective ending. Perhaps make a reference to the murder's own hell, inflicted by this 'victim.' Still though, only a slight hiccup as it does not demean your poem substantially.

The final line is exquiste as it leaves the reader with a feeling of justice being done.

Great poem!

I believe you will like my poem of "rage" as it deals with the cause of murder. Please have a read and let me know what you think.

Natalie

Wow, i thouht this poem was amazing, reallllllyyyyy good work!!

Your last stanzas alway get to me, this was a unique poem for the one worded stanzas you gave it, it made the poem whole as simple as i can say it is. a little bit cliche in some parts but again hypnotized by words i cant really find many flaws