(something I wrote a long time ago and am not proud of)
Please, these are not my current views. I was young and immature. Still eating disordered though :(
This Is EDNOS
The first thing she does every morning when she wakes up is run to the mirror. Is she fatter than yesterday? Does she weigh more? Can she be happy today? When she sees she is just as imperfect, just as ugly as yesterday, the next thing she does is try to hide it. A fine dust of powder all over is the best she can do.
Then she stands and stares at herself for a while, sending hatred to every curve, every imperfection. When Ana says she is done she goes and gets dressed. Quickly so she does not notice how her clothes fit.
She hopes they are looser, but she is scared that they will be as well, she is scared that then she will have to accept that she is damaging herself.
She runs out of the house and jogs down the road, trying to burn calories she hasn't even consumed yet today.
She doesn't remember much about school days. She is probably ignored at one point. Probably shouted at. She is probably called fatty, providing her with more than enough thinspiration when lunch comes around.
Because this morning she did not look any better than yesterday she does not allow herself any lunch at all. Instead she makes some excuse to her friends and goes for a jog around school. At every struggling breathe she chants to herself. Big isn't Beautiful. Hunger hurts but starving works. I love you Ana.
On the coach home she goes over the opportunities she's had to eat, the calories she's avoided. She feels proud, dizzy and has to reassure herself she isn't floating. She runs up the hill like she's got wings in her shoes. She feels like she belongs. She feels like Ana finally loves her.
The first thing she does when she gets home is run to the mirror. Is she fatter than this morning? Does she weigh more? Can she stop fretting now? Has all her hard work had any impact? When she sees she is still imperfect her heart sinks.
She looks in the mirror and all she can see is FAT FAT FAT. UGLY GIRL. SICK GIRL.
Pushing Ana aside she runs to the kitchen for food. Anything. Cereal. Slowly and methodically she dips her hand in the box and brings it to her face. She savours the first few bites but after that she tastes nothing. It's dry, tasteless food but she cannot stop eating it. Tears roll down her face but still she does not stop until the box is empty.
Clutching her bloated stomach she waddles upstairs. Forget about homework, she just goes straight to bed and cries tears of guilt and self-hatred until finally she falls asleep. All her good work undone.
She knows she will do it all again tomorrow because this is her life. This is EDNOS.
