Alone

Here I sit alone and miserable, the pieces of what once used to be my heart lay shattered upon the floor. I sit here thinking " why do you even bother ? you'll NEVER be good enough for anybody". I'm at the point where there's nothing left inside, but pain. I can't fight anymore, there's no fight left in me. I contemplate ending it all, but I haven't the strength to even do that. I cry until I have no tears left to fall. I am so sad that it makes me physically ill, I vomit until there's nothing left in my stomach to force back up, except blood. I shake uncontrollably, like a wino who needs a drink. I can't sleep, when I close my eyes the nightmares begin. my life is a stagnant pond, never changing, always the same. I hate my life, I hate myself, but there's nothing I can do to change either. people say " you need help ", and they're right, I do need help. but unfortunately there's no way to help me. the only thing that would help me is denied me. and that's happiness. I search and I search, but happiness is only fleeting. like a candle in the wind. I try drinking until I forget, but that's only a temporary solution. once the alcohol is gone, I try redirecting my emotional pain, try to transform it into physical pain, but to no avail,the emotional pain returns. I wish I could understand what I ever did to make my life so horrible, to deny my happiness. whenever I think I've found happiness, it gets snatched away. always out of reach,never within my grasp. I'm locked in this misery, like a prisoner in a cell. never any hope of release, never any hope of escape. I look out and see others enjoying happiness and I'm envious. I'm jealous that they are allowed happiness and all I'm allowed is misery, hatred and solitude. I'm at the end, I have nowhere to go. this is where I shall reside until the end of my days, alone and miserable.