A Sinner's Perfect Plea

The ground was solid beneath his feet,
Yet he just wished he could fall beneath
The surface, and drown in devilish waters.

^^ Okay, the last two lines read weird, because I pause after every line. The last two lines should be on sentence and it just feels weird to pause in the middle.

Burn in a hazy mist with no way out,
His own lungs losing air every second,
And in an instant, he felt like his victim.

^^ Oooh, I love this stanza. It give a hint of mystery, because of the victim thing. So maybe he strangled someone?

He could feel his own hands on her neck,
Gasping for air, both their heartbeats
Intertwined, life being pushed from her body.

^^ I was right. He did strangle someone. Maybe his lover?

In that stand he stood, no longer a raging
Bull that felt nothing but hatred and anger.
Now he was a lost boy, who knew how sorry felt.

^^ Aww.. he's regretting killing her.

He trembled and they knew it, saw it on his face,
But nothing can be disguised when you're truly caught -
And he was; nobody knew it more than he himself.

^^ He got caught, but he knew he was going to get caught. I think. ><

But air was lost in a second, his legs just gave way.
Lying on that cold wooden floor, his mistakes flashed
Before him, as pain invaded his mind. And he cried.

^^ I can picture this so vividly. The heartbroken man/boy lying on the floor and he can't stop crying.

He grabbed onto the paramedics shirt,
Stared into the vary core of his eyes, pleading, begging:
"Just tell them I'm sorry, I only ask them to know that."

^^ He's dying? o.o "vary" should be "very".

With one last breathe, his head graced the floor.
It was uncanny, truly absurd, but the jury could not lie,
Just like they couldn't hide that tears they shared that day.

^^ Aww.. such a sad ending. I loved your vocablulary it really enhanced the emotions you brought into this piece.

Wonderful job.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Stunning poem,.i love really love reading it,nice one,..

The poem's story was good but Ii think you jumped around in ideas alot too much that it was almost hard to read but the idea was geat I just think it needs to flow just a tad bit more Plot121

Wow this is a really sad story
but an excellent write

i loved it

Very deep, with a dark aura surrounding it. The flow was a little off in some parts, but it was still really good... I liked how you portrayed this piece, showing us his regret and then him pleading for forgiveness...

Truly A good write.
Keep it up..
--Elly.