I Take My Flight

by DeepLife   Mar 24, 2008


You said "together we're complete,"
I thought that was truly sweet.

I trusted you to keep me secure with you love,
You said "how can I not my beautiful dove."

So we fell in an abyss of passion,
With sighs of exhilaration.

My heart was awakened,
It feels it's loved and takened.

Months of engaging kisses pass by,
You say "I'm your permanent guy."

My first dream was beginning to come true,
Except the spot in my heart was still slightly blue.

We grew and time passes,
Blue was filling over me fast.

I did feel right,
It brings me vase fright.

I hold to you tight,
With all of my might.

Your body is cold,
And your eyes look too bold.

My dream is dying,
While I lay crying.

My anguish it unbearable,
My suffering is so terrible.

It has to end tonight,
Your building is where I take my flight.

This is my first rhyming poem,
show or tell me what you think, please.
I could use the advice.

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by BlueEyedMystery

    When you rhyme you've got to make sure it sound natural, like you weren't trying to rhyme it just happened. I think if rhymes take away from the meaning of the poem, then you shouldn't do them, just write it in free verse. Don't let the rhymes take away from the emotion, either. Emotion is really important in a poem. You've got to make the reader feel something. Draw them in.

    So, for your first rhyming poem it wasn't too bad. Just keep in mind what I said, sorry if I was too harsh. >.<

    Keep writing, Ari!
    Cayce

  • 16 years ago

    by Mark

    We grew and time passes,
    Blue was filling over me fast.

    Doesn't rhyme dear...

    you wanted an honest comment, then here it goes...

    ofcourse this is your first poem, and like "Lovezmennot..." says, you tried so hard to rhyme, that you forgot the true meaning of petry, the symbolism and the perspectivation to the real meaning... It is easy to read and easy to understand, people will not wonder about the poem, cause you've placed reality in the words, and doesn't use words to express the true inside feelings, on a deeper level, if you understand what I am saying?
    this is only to help you out, but talent comes from experience too...
    try to read my latest poem, it might help you out.

    Mark

  • 16 years ago

    by LOVEmeNOT

    Ok. Well this is my thing like that you made it ryhme so much that at some points it was like too easy. like words you picked to rhyme together are words anyone can put together. And i understand its your first so its ok. But next time you might want to challenge yourself. Then also something that could help is that maybe if you fix your flow of the poem it can have it rhyme with out you actually putting words that rhyme, bc its like hidden with the flow and the flow makes it sound like it rhymes. At least thats just with me. maybe. like your last stanza is a good ex. of having the good flow and not having words that exactly rhyme but it like makes me think they do.
    Other then that i think its good. =]

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