Oh wow. The details in this are lovely. The imagery leaves the pictures long after the poem has ended.

Really powerful and gripping.
*5*

Wow... that was AMAZING! beautiful love it all the flow was flawless the rhyme was perfect didnt looked forced, i didnt like how you ended it though my opinion its like the story in my head was stopped in the middle of it and there wasnt closure you know for me that is, but beautiful it was 5/5

Yes.. I was being pushed to bed by my one and only.. I'm pretty sure I'm going to add more. Thank you :)

TT-TT that's terrifying, both whats more is that sort of thing really exists. Your rhyme scheme was good, and there was good descriotion. But put more emotion if you can.

Good rhythm (except the latin bit, but obviously that can't be helped. Who speaks in perfect rhythm anyway?), nice flow, good rhyming. (I bring shame to poets, can't even find two synonyms for good.)

Stanza one: Great opening, the first line is downright chilling. "Dark brown eyes keep you entranced making you blind" I love the contrast there, and 'Dark' foreshadows everything quite wonderfully.

Stanza two: "You remain motionless, unable to breath, unable to stop" Very subtle contrast there, I'm not sure if it was intended or not. I'd love to repeat that about foreshadowing again, but the situation's become painfully obvious by this line, so I'll just say that the words 'remain', 'motionless' and 'unable' were well-chosen.

Stanza three: You seem to like contrasting. You name "fear" but then say "On top of you he stares deeply into your innocent eyes.
He leans foreword and speaks softly but enough to hear:" The words 'deeply' and 'softly' don't really work here. I understand that this guy is twisted in some wonderfully evil but sweet in that way, but the first time I read it those lines just confused me. Maybe you should change deeply into, perhaps... intensely? Or somethhing like that.

Stanza four: "there's not chance of rescue" Not a chance or no chance? "He bites above your heart, it threatens to burst from you" In this case, burst is a very good verb to use. Not only does it tell the reader that she's terribly afraid, panicked, etc, it also gives a very real image of the situation. Also, it falsely foreshadows death (but maybe that's just me).

Stanza...five?: "yet the future still remains ahead" dundundun! More to come? "You yearn for comfort and love, but its only you and him." My favorite line. A pure beauty without adverbs or adjectives! Scornful, yet so devastatingly sad...

Stanza 6: I find that "sickening nightmare" disrupts the flow, since people say (and think) NIGHTmare instead of stressing MARE.

Stanza 7: "Trapped in the field of dreams you and him lay together." A good line. In my mind I'm suddenly seeing the scene from high above, 'field' was the word that did it. But alas, she is trapped... "If I truly was only dreaming." Revamp that. Say it aloud. Sorry, but either 'truly' or 'only' has to go.

Overall, great work! A very well deserved 5/5!

P.S. May I borrow that latin phrase of yours? It has attached itself to my heart ^^

Your word choice is absolutely brilliant -- from the very first line, it's like the words engulfed me. A haunting piece.

Moaning he moves his mouth nibbling across your skin
You remain motionless, unable to breath, unable to stop
Feeling him suck on your neck makes your world spin
Outside you've surrendered, inside slides a teardrop.
`I literally shivered at this stanza. The second line uses simple vocabullary -- but the words are powerful -- great diction. For some reason, "suck" sounds weird to me, or it could just be that I don't see it used often. That last line? Absolutely mesmerizing.

Rough hands press down, you finally feel emotion: fear.
On top of you he stares deeply into your innocent eyes.
He leans foreword and speaks softly but enough to hear:
"Nascentes mormur. Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis."
`Amazing stanza. The first line was brilliant (I know, I'm using brilliant a lot, and am going to be using it a lot because I lack knowledge of other vocabulary words). And the use of Latin is so different, but effective.

Twining his fingers in yours, there's not chance of rescue.
`AHHHH, this piece just gets better as it goes. Btw, not should be no, or you add an "a" after not, 'else it doesn't make sense. At least I hope I'm not just hallucinating. "Twining his fingers" makes me think sweet, soft bliss -- probably because I've been reading too many love poems, but then "no chance of rescue" -- a large contrast to me and it's so powerful.

Trailing his long tongue down to your neck from your ear.
He bites above your heart, it threatens to burst from you
Looming above you he continues, but the end never nears.
`"bites above your heart" -- I think I almost squealed reading that. Amazing imagery and I feel like it symbolizes something SO huge -- I just can't expain what.

Emotion starts to choke you, inside your filled with dread.
`"your" = "you're"

Stanza five wasn't so STUNNiNG, but it contained "You yearn for comfort and love, but its only you and him." -- which I just adoree. Though I feel that that verse wasn't as ... sophisticated as the others, it definitely, captured me with the fear that it exposes.

He pulls you closer and though you hate him, you relax.
While crying on his chest, he gently smooths your hair.
He pulls you into his lap and your body quickly reacts.
You shudder violently, this is one sickening nightmare.
`Such opposing beauty -- "you relax" -- "quickly reacts" -- "shudder violently" . Clever. Though I feel that the use of "this is one sickening nightmare" just breaks the beautiful flood of words.

Trapped in the field of dreams you and him lay together.
A part of you loves him, and the other loathes his being.
Never can you leave, caged inside with him forever.
Constantly saying: "If I truly was only dreaming."
`Brilliant word choice -- though "you and him" sounds awkward, but then nothing really can be done about that. A haunting ending image -- though I don't like "If I truly was only dreaming." It sounds gauche and a tad bit clumsy.

Overall, I loved it. It was different, straightforward and yet so urbane. Lovely job, hon.

--..MiNDYY

First off let me say I loved the other language in there it made it more spooky because throughout the poem your like omg what does that mean!! You know, and this poem was really creepy and erie and just gave me goosebumps. The last stanza really worked I think there are different ways I might have ended but this was almost outside my way of thinking and it wasn't predictable. Nice job really love your work.
5/5
kaila

I love it Bit! You're amazing! and I think it really means more because of everything we talked about earlier. kepp writing, it's your gift!

Wow! Amazing poem, it has really really good imagery!
5/5 from me :)

"Long twisted fingers stroking up and down your spine"
^^^
[This is a very nice line to begin with. It pulls you in and speaks well. And for some odd reason, it doesn't seem cliche.]

"is cold lips brushing against your ear, shivers arise"
^^^
["shivers arise" sounds weird.. I don't know. Perhaps "and" in there? Some people don't like additional "and's" and "the's", but I really don't mind them. They make the poem easier to read because it's like your telling a story with natural dialect. You know what I mean?]

"Dark brown eyes keep you entranced making you blind
Slowly his hand creeps down your leg then up your thigh."
^^^
[Though it's cliche, I liked the ending to the first paragraph. Not too bad. It really fits it.]

"Outside you've surrendered, inside slides a teardrop."
^^^
[I really like this line because so many girls feel this way and you put it to the tee.]

"He leans foreword and speaks quietly but enough to hear:
"Nascentes mormur. Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis." "
^^^
[I really, really, really love the touch of mystery here, since no one knows what it means until the end. Very beautiful. It really enhances the poem.]

"Nascentes mormur. Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.

From the moment we are born, we die.
You don't know the power of the darkside."
^^^
[And here we find the meaning of the mystery sentence.
And I f.ucking love it. This is an amazing line, one to be remembered, and the way you brought it up (by mystery of another language) it makes it ten times more rememberable. Great job.]

Now.
Honestly, I didn't like this poem as much as I could have.
The thing is, it's cliche to the tee, except for the last line.
Poems are people telling the same story in different ways. And this particular story has been told a million times. Don't be cliche, be unquie.

However, I did like it in some aspects. The flow was great, some parts really unquie.. it wasn't too bad.
Nicely done, espically the last part (as you can tell, I really liked it).

xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

This poem got me motionless, unable to breath and I indeed remained glued to it untill the end. It's really captivating.
The terrific descriptions I enjoy:
" His cold lips BRUSHING against your ear "
" He laens forward and speaks QUIETLY but enough to HEAR "
" He bites above your heart... "
Thanks.

Wow this poem is so strong.. so powerful. its like i could picture it all in my mind...

you started it off strong and ended it even stonger... thats a sign of a perfect poem.

good job.5/5

Omg what a nice poem

"You remain motionless, unable to breath, unable to stop"

^^ You would think with all the great comments you have, at least one of them would have pointed out the error in this line, however, to no avail.

'breathe' not 'breath'. I'm sure you know the difference. You used it correctly in the following line.

"He leans foreword and speaks quietly but enough to hear:"

^^ Again, another one missed.
'forward' not 'foreword'

There weren't any other mistakes I could point out after that.

..................................................................

Verse 1: I liked the fact that you started this poem with the dark imagery. You sent straight into it. You chose the right words, and it was easy to picture what was going on.

"Slowly his hand creeps down your leg then up your thigh."
^^ That was the only line I thought was weird to imagine. His hand goes from the knee to the foot (leg) then slides up? I think it would be easier to imagine;

"Slowly his hand creeps up your leg then to your thigh." (Not sure how that works for you)

Verse 2: Aside from the mistake I pointed out before, there was nothing wrong with this verse. It was a good continuation of the first verse. You kept the imagery going, and this is where the emotions are set in with;

"inside slides a teardrop."
^^ That ended the verse really well. Now the reader knows how you feel about what is going on.

Verse 3: The emotions are strong in this verse with the opening line. You indicate fear, along with the sadness. Just fix the mistake I mention earlier.

Verse 4: This is where the poem becomes a little more darker for me. The fact that you said there was no rescue, that alone is a VERY scary thought.

"but the end never nears."
"Eternity seems to pass"
^^ Hmm, that seemed a little contradictory.

Verse 5: Out of all the other verses, I think this was my least favourite. It just seemed to be a filler for the rest of the verses. A continuation of what is going on .

Verse 6: Like verse 5, this seemed to be a filler as well. There was a bit of confusion with the emotions in this one. Relaxing, then trembling with fear again. This always leaves me asking, "Why do girls put up with guys that do things like that!?"..

Verse 7: I thought the last verse ended well. Again, the confusion with emotion. Loving him, and hating him at the same time. As a reader, you tend to hate the guy more, and you don't understand why she is with him. It's like watching those horror films, you're always yelling at the tv "Don't go into that room!!!!" because you obviously know better. I think the fact that you did that, made this poem's 'darkside' shine. Which is a really good thing. It definitely made it stronger.

Overall: The flow of this poem was a bit here and there. The fact that you tried very hard to rhyme sort of ruined it a bit. There were words that went well together, and some that didn't. When poems have lines with the length you had, a better rhyme scheme would have been AABB, rather than ABAB. You tend to not notice the rhymes with ABAB.

"Nascentes mormur. Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.

From the moment we are born, we die.
You don't know the power of the darkside."

^^OK, the one thing I wanted to know about this was; what origin? What language?.. It would have been nice to know.

A great poem, a few things I would change personally. Definitely need to fix those two tiny mistakes, and the rest would be fine.

Thanks for the write :)

For me, the poem was well written, but it died away quickly, without a real climax to the moment. This bothers me utterly, and I do wish you had had that climax for me. Sorry

Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)

This is definitely a very powerful piece. I love dark poetry and this was executed beautifully. I really like the foreign language used in the middle, it was a really nice touch. The only suggestion I would make is that i think you used the word finger or fingers too often. Like "twisted fingers" "twining his fingers" and "twirls a finger". Because each separately are very powerful, but one right after the other becomes slightly repetitive. But I'm still giving you a 5/5 cause besides that it was a truly amazing piece!
~Jules

Overall i thought this was absolutley amazing. It flowed pretty well throughout the entire poem and the rhymes were really well. There was one line i really disliked though.

"Outside you've surrendered, inside slides a teardrop."

^^ I just thought this was really out of place and could of been worded a little better.
Also the ending was great but again it could of been worded a little differetn and it would of had a bigger impact on the reader. A well deserved 5/5

This is very.. chilling. Everything about this piece made me get goosebumps. Despite its subject, it's a beautiful poem. It's left me speechless.

"Long twisted fingers stroking up and down your spine
His cold lips brushing against your ear, shivers arise"

-- This was a brilliant way to open the piece. You can immediately tell what this is going to be about. It's absolutely gorgeous.

"He bites above your heart, it threatens to burst from you
Looming above you he continues, but the end never nears."

-- These two lines blew me away. I think it's my favorite part of the poem. I like how the vocabulary is simply, but you've used the words in such a way that you put a brilliant image in my head.

Overall, I loved this. Everything about it is beautiful. I'm honestly lost for words, really. You've done a brilliant job.

Five out of five. [5/5]

`Briana :)

What stood out for me about this poem was the imagry and how you made the poem come to life. The poem itself was a little long for my liking but in the end length didn't matter

5/5