Dying To Feel Again

First impression. well to be honest you had to many words, you can cut it down, make the subject clear in fewer words. & secondly, the title, well i woulda picked something different, like a line from the poem, these are just my opinions though.

the structure: well i liked it apart from the lenght, i liked the one liners thrown in.

the language: very simple, i hate complications. you used words that are meaningful as people often say them such as darling and honey. not great vocabulary in many peoples eyes unless you see it as i see, i love them kinda words in poems, gives it a kick if you get what i mean like?

subject: very common, and most people will have wrote about this feeling or should i say liack of feeling, its going to relate to an awful lot of people on this site, and you gota remember that... you have to make your poetry stand out and be unique.(parts of it were though which is a good thing)

fave part:
'Obviously this life was meant for someone better'
stood out it was the line that you went ohhhh at, cause its the blow from the poem that will hit home with alot of people

other: the repetition throughout gives a sense of time going through slowly, which i sa very good thing i must admit.

overall, i liked the poem, a little bit of work and it could be very very good.

lots of love xx

This poem really hit me hard like smacked me in the face hard lol. The line the really drew me in was,

'Obviously this life was meant for someone better'. This adverb Obviously really brings a definate approach like there is no 'or' or 'but'.

And the simple sentences were really well used to brake the poem into structure giving a linear structure. Which really brought meaning to the poem.

The second person pronoun 'You' was used also as a direct address to the reader, this could influence the idea of the inner person speaking perhaps your own conciousness which I thought was really clever.

The flow was flawless as ever Jen I really enjoyed it. The mood I am in the persons poems I wanted to read were yours as i know you hit it right on the marks always.

Good job

Alex xxx

Alright. I understand the story behind the poem, and what you were trying to get across. I have some suggestions for each stanza. So you know what I suggest, I will put my thoughts in "[ ]" brackets.

"Tears pooling...pooling in those aqua coloured eyes."
[Great first line. I like how you made the eye color aqua. It's a deeper blue, and adds more of a visual.]

"And it's ironic...so ironic that you can cry but you find it so hard to feel
[I think punctuation is needed for this line. After the word "cry" you should add a comma. It tends to add a pause effect.]

Each and every day has now just become a gesture of try fail and repeat
[I think you could deal without the word "just". I had to read it twice because that word slowed me down. Also, add commas after try and after fail. It separates the words, and looks better]

Obviously this life was meant for someone better, someone who isn't you
[Just a suggestion, but I believe it sounds better if you switch the wording around. Making it "This life was obviously meant for someone better, someone who isn't you."]

Close your tired eyes darling, maybe you should finally take your bow
[This line was amazing. It makes it sounds like and act she was putting on. I'm a theatre kid, and a writer, so this line was superb.]

STANZA TWO:

No don't want to give up just yet? Then time to rise, day is approaching
[I think the word "No" is unneeded. If you wish to keep it, I'd add a comma after it. The pause effect will separate it and give it more of an impact, and an attitude]

Make a move, it's time for that irritating task of try and fail, over and over
[For some reason, "over and over" slowed me down. As we know, this person is trying and failing. I putting "all over again" into it instead of "over and over". It makes more of an impression that this is her daily routine.]

Oh isn't it a shame no-one knows, if they did they might be able to help
["No-one" can be used as one word, or two. But there should not be a hyphen.]

But don't wish for that darling, for you know that you're all alone now
[I like how you keep explaining this person, and yet keep putting them down. Gives the poem attitude, and sass.]

"And the tears keep on running...messing up those pretty eyes..."
[the "..." effect is highly over rated. I see you want to make it like the first line. That seems to be the format of the poem, but I honestly think the "..." are useless for this line]

STANZA THREE:

Take a look around, what are you so determined to keep fighting for?
[I think the question would be better asked as "why" instead of "what" and remove the "for". So basically it would be "Take a look around, why are you so determined to keep fighting". Just a suggestion]

Do you truthfully really believe that anyone even gives a damn anymore?
[Truthfully and really together make this line read slow. You should have one or the other, but not both.]

Didn't think so honey, tired of watching you try and fail, try and fail
[I like how you called her "honey". Made it sound like you are taunting her with her try and fail tendancies.]

Don't know who you are, if you don't recognize yourself, how can they?
[This seems like two questions to me. So it would be "Don't know who you are? If you don't recognize yourself, how can they?"]

STANZA FOUR:

It's getting old, now like a broken record; how terribly cliche of you
[Cliche is probably one of my favorite words. I also love the metaphor of records. They are old.]

Let's do it again, seems you're trying hard to win but you always fail
[Just think you should add a comma after "win". For the pause effect.]

Remember those years way back, mummy's hugs fixed everything?
[I liked this line. It is very relateable to a lot of people. They think back to the times when moms used to make all the pain go away. Creative. And saying "mummy" adds the taunting effect again.]

When things seemed so simple, believed fairy tales really did come true?
[I think "believed" should be changed to "when". Sounds better to me for the question. Again, another relateable statement. Those days were easier.]

STANZA FIVE:

It's not so simple anymore, when did your world become so harsh?
[Ah, another relateable line. This makes you stop and think of better times. Takes you back to way back when. good job]

Funny how tears run down your face yet you're completely numb inside
[Add a comma after "face". Another pause effect. You explain this person so much like a faker, and that adds anger to the reader. Provoking emotions.]

There's too much to handle now, if only you could be five years old again
[YES. One of the best lines. An "I don't want to grow up" sort of thing.]

When you laughed, smiled, giggled, cried...when you truly felt something
[Again, no suggestions for this.]

"Close your tired eyes darling, maybe you should finally take your bow"
[Perfect ending. I like how this line was repeated in the beginning and at the end. This is one of the most anger provoking lines. It made me feel frustrated with this person. Wanting to tell them to get over it! Stop faking! YOUR ACT IS UP! SHOWS OVER! Honestly, that's how it felt.]

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I don't know if this helped you at all, I know there wasn't many suggestions, but I did tell you what I liked, and things that MAY make the poem look or sound better, at least in my eyes. The comma effect it something I love to use. Some writers though, just look past it and think it doesn't matter. But to some of us, punctuation is key to a poem.

I hope I helped. Sorry this was so long.
Your rating is a 5/5 for this. The suggestions I made were just in my opinion. Without them, it does not change how I viewed this poem. It is a story, and a great one. It jerked my emotions, which means it IS good.

Take care and keep writing.
~Lace~

This was a good poem the message was good and the flow was good not too much on structure but none the less you gave the reader a clear image good job Plot121

I love all your writes, they are all so wonderfully written, but I feel each line is always too long, your structure has to be mastered just like your writting skill. For example take the first stanza and break it down like this (with added puncuation) :

And it's ironic...
so ironic that you can cry,
but you find it so hard to feel.

Each and every day
has now just become
a gesture of try, fail, and repeat.

Obviously this life
was meant for someone better,
someone who isn't you.

Close your tired eyes darling,
maybe you should
finally take your bow.

By doing that, it makes it easier to read in my opinion, and it also makes it flow a little better (but that's just me)

I also think by adding puncuation within it will strengthen the poem even more. Overall a great write from a great poet.

Peace, Joe