Fallen From Grace*

Definately a dark beauty, this piece.
Beautifully written! Great job!

Pretty good poem :) like the story behind it, very dark and sad. beautifully written. great job!

I'm about to pick your poem apart. Hope you don't mind. >< Sorry if it's too harsh.

She walks the streets
Lonely and cold
Bitter hatred she feels
Brought down hard on the stone

^^ Cold and stone don't exactly rhyme, but it's not horrible. Also, I think you used some rather dull descriptions here [Except bitter. I liked that one.] but maybe you could find some better words than lonely and cold?

Time moves way to slow
Feels like being beaten by a whip
She has nothing to show
Nothing more than black eyes and split lips

^^ The "to" in the first line should be "too". I like the second line, but I'm not sure how it relates to the poem.. In that last line you're descriptions aren't that vivid again.. black and and split lips just seem so plain.

Her dignity is gone
The confidence she once held
She feels like she has fallen
From the greatest things she felt

^^ Good flow and rhymes here, but still it doesn't stick out in my mind from all the other poems I've read.

A husband who loved her
The way he made her feel
But every day he hit her
And struck her with a heel

^^ Here the last line definitely felt forced. You're trying, but not quite getting the sad emotion across. Her husband hit her. How about maybe instead of saying it.. describe it, or maybe instead of "hit" you could say "struck"? Just a suggestion, though. If you feel that it's fine the way it is, don't change it.

But she has gone and left
She walks these streets alone
She has nowhere to rest
She's too afraid to go home

^^ You started the last three lines with "She". Once you've established that you're talking about the woman there's no need to keep repeating it. So maybe try leaving some of the "she's" out.

She has nothing more
No more table clothes made of lace
Or even clothes to pick up off the floor
She realizes her mistake, she has fallen from grace

^^ This is the end and the end is the last thing the reader takes with them from your poem. You want to make it stick inside their head. Make it extrodinary.

I hope this help somewhat. >< It was a decent poem, so well done.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Wow that was bittersweet, adorable & well written....Great job ! 5/5

Good poem, quite a harsh situation, always good to get your feelings out.
5/5