WithAmericanRebuttal

So, like I rather liked the "Quietly Versed Shake Down" and have decided to adapt it and transform it into my own structure. My bad if you don't want me using it lol. This site is infamous for losing comments and what not so I usually either type it out in word or copy and paste every couple lines just in case. Anyway, We're off!

Rhythm: The flow was consistent throughout and didn't miss a beat. It keeps the reader intrigue and suprises the reader when he reaches the end because it was all connected so beautifully.

Rhyme: I tend to stay away from this repetitive rhyme scheme. It gives the poem a sort of sing-song feel that generally takes away the meaning/power of the poem. Disregarding the scheme and looking just at the rhyme, Your rhyme was perfect. Every ending word was rhymed flawlessly and unforced. I applaud you because that is not a feat easily accomplished!

Imagery: Beautiful throughout, I especially enjoyed the images of the "100 mothers" and "1000 brothers" thought that was an ingenious way to depict the casualties and heartaches of war.

Favorite line: I really enjoyed
"Stood aside while other's lovers,
Watched them die... the thousand brothers."
and
"While he, the worn mercenary,
Across the sea amidst adversary."

Effect of those lines: They were both beautifully crafted and left me breathless. The first erected a state of anger and frustration in me that leaves me irritated with the government and war. The second arose empathy and heartache in me leaving me afraid and irritated with the government and war.

Overview

What I liked: Rhyme, Rhythm, Imagery
What I didn't like: Rhyme Scheme

Additional: I think you should check out the song/lyrics "Slow Down Ghandi" by Sage Francis. Has a similar topic/theme and the man is one of the best lyricists I've ever heard. I think you'll enjoy it

Thank you so much for sharing this poem. It has earned you a spot on my favorites list.
-Alex

Nice rhyme poem and powerful words you yous make it nice to read and enjoy to follow
,you got the talent and keep in work, 5/5

Actually, ( btw ty to Mauliciouss), I too have always avoided this rhyme pattern because i figured it boring. However, i thought that b/c of that challenge it would be fun to attempt to take a boring rhyme pattern and make it work.

As for me, This poem is absolutely perfect..The fLow and rhymes [which i tried to avoid in my poems] sumtimes can be boring and im not bother bout the long ones as if ur narratin a whole movie...

I Love the picture that u were emphasizin in this piece..Everyone knOws wutz gOin..BeTter Face It aNd Live wIt iT..

Nice Job..5/5