I don't want to feel this pain.... so why did you do this

Five words I've been holding back but i will say it finally
"how the freak could you". How could you hurt me so bad
you lied to me and i believed you
you told me i didn't have to worry you would never love her
you would never get over me
and i believed you
that's my biggest mistake
you swore you were kidding around and made me believe that little lie only you don't realize how much i still care how now i want to die
i cared to much , i loved to much and i gave up on a lost cause it wasn't worth it
it killed me to watch you go with her and leave me standing alone without anyone around
it's funny because the minute my heart fell is the minute it started to rain
i guess god knew how bad i was hurting and how i couldn't even cry if i wanted too that's how bad i hurt
mixed emotions sad and angry all at the same time
i wanted to go kill myself that night
so i got this little idea and i knew exactly how it would go down
I'd come home and sit on my bed and call a friend and say I'm so glad you were there for me and I'm glad we are friends
I'd take a shower and brush my long brown hair
I'd look in the mirror and smile
I'd close my eyes and whisper your name and get your picture in my mind again
I'd smile and say only if you knew and then smile when i see you in my mind for the last time
I'd cut my wrist and lay there numb waiting until i cut the pain away but it will never go and leave
the next day you would wake up to go to school and realize i wasn't there and then you'd realize something maybe was wrong
but i think differently then
you wouldn't even care
it's sad but I wouldn't even think twice you wouldn't care about me or my life
but you see that is my little idea that won't come true
is it a dream or is it real
i can't tell you
but when you show up tomorrow you will see that i am no longer there
you were worth everything to me
only if you could have seen that
i was still here bleeding
i am forever a memory in your mind
only the sad thing is you finally relised
it was your fault