I see your face in the city

by Kaila   Apr 4, 2008


Starring up into the starry night, midnight blue and clear,
It reminds me so much of your eyes and how I want you here,
Street lights shine magnificently, which makes everything okay,
I start to think about your smile, which shines so bright this way.

There is nobody swinging or laughing at our favorite park,
Remember when you kissed me here, boy my heart just sparked,
No one on the merry-go-round vacant it feels so alone,
My heart feels the same way, alone without a home.

Trees swaying brilliantly in the cold, crisp, breeze,
I use to sit upon that tree; you'd help me down with ease,
No lights shine through the windows, for everyone's asleep,
I can't even shut my eyes; without you I will not fall to sleep.

Parking the car along the road the air feels cool on my face,
Even though your hand isn't guiding me, I keep a steady pace,
House after house I pass, none give me that sensation,
Until I see it cream and blue, I have some hesitation.

Then I see you tall and lean sitting on the window sill,
I notice your eyes are dripping; my heart is standing still,
With every step I take towards you, my heart sinks lower,
My teeth begin to chatter and my hand reaches where ours were.

You slowly peek through the door, hair a mess and teary eyed,
I know you hated the fact I knew you stayed at home and cried,
With one swift motion I was in your arms, safe and sound,
Together forever we will remain for this is where were bound.

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Darien

    Kaila, I believe that Jennifer had made very good suggestions with your poem. If you want this poem to do as well as it could potentially be, I think you should take her advice. The overall structure I found alright. Long sentences can be overfed with bogus words and phrases, and in Jen's post, she listed a few.

    However, the romance you instilled into this poem was very intriguing. You created a very calm and sensual mood.

    Again though, I think you should follow Jennifer's advice. Good effort though.

  • 16 years ago

    by Marius Laun

    Wow. That was sad for the first of it, but i guess it ended at least to not something that sad. I really liked it, and i know the feeling. Your words radiated through the screen. There were some spelling and grammar things that needed fixing as mentioned above, but overall it was excellent, and I really liked it. I would say a 4.5 but i round up so 5 of 5

  • 16 years ago

    by Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden

    Edit:
    First line, you mean staring.
    You're using too many commas and not enough periods in this poem. Try to reread it and pick out lines that are complete thoughts, complete statements. I'll use the second stanza as an example. You say that there's no one laughing at your favorite park. That's a complete thought. When you start to remember the past that's a completely different thought, a new sentence.
    In this line:
    No one on the merry-go-round vacant it feels so alone
    No one on the merry-go-round. Okay, that's fine, but when you add on the other part it makes the sentence make no sense. Try to put a punctuation mark between the two parts to make it work.
    The last thing I have to say is about the rhymes. Not all of them are perfect. That's okay though. It's just my personal preference to have perfect rhymes.

    Response:
    I thought it was a good poem. I could picture it, so you provided good imagery. Overall you had a pretty good rhyming consistency. It wasn't the same as every other love poem, which is very good, because I usually hate love poems, because they're always the same. Just try to work on when to use punctuation and maybe doing perfect rhymes. That's just me though. There are plenty of people that don't care about perfect rhymes. I'm just one of those people that do.

    Rating:
    Overall it was a good poem, so I'm going to give it a four.

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