Comments : I Am

  • 16 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This is pretty good, here are my thoughts:

    "I am finnally loved
    I wonder if it wil last
    I hear the sound of her heart
    I see her beautiful eyes
    I am finally loved"

    I don't think you need the first line there, since you are saying that in the last of every stanza. Maybe write something else.

    wil should be will.

    Okay, throughout the poem, you put way to many I's. I loved what you were saying in the poem, but the I's made it pretty..blah.
    Maybe try this:

    Wondering if it will last
    Hearing the sound of her heart

    So then just delete the I and make the word have an ing- ending. I think that would make the poem a lot better and be more enjoyable to read. Take care!