I feel Numb
Now that's all out in the open
My loves, my fears, my honest desires.
Now that I've told them.
That I didn't believe they loved me.
I didn't believe they even cared.
I know the truth now.
Deception lived once in this clouded head of mine.
I feel that much emptier.
Like I have nothing left to say.
As if I was arguing with someone and they just made a really good point.
Left me speechless.
Breathless.
Wrong.
Hollow and cold.
I feel nothing.
No rage.
No Fear.
No Joy.
Excitement.
Or pity.
It's all gone.
I feel like an emotional anorexic.
I just let it all out.
I told her I didn't want help.
She wanted to help me, heal me.
I told her she was the most important person in my life.
She said she knew that.
I told them I hated being alone.
In every aspect of the word.
In the end they made me laugh.
Hollow and cold.
I lay beneath the Golden yellow leaves.
And I let them know.
I told them.
Everything.
Everything that made me so afraid to wake up in the morning.
To sleep at night.
The things that made me worry.
She thinks I blame it on her.
Because she left.
I won't deny it almost killed me.
But it's not her fault
It wasn't her.
It was everything.
Jenga.
Build it up until it falls.
Thats the fun part...
I don't want her to think that.
It hurts me even more.
I felt so bad last night.
So horrible that I led her to think that.
I apologized, I tried to mean it this time.
Tried to make her realize.
She said she knew that.
She said I need to stop apologizing because she knows.
But I want her to know I was apologizing to every soul that's crossed upon my path.
Say sorry to every person who's gotten drops of my problems on their shoulders.
I want to apologize for everything.
I told them everything.
Everything.
About how I felt I didn't deserve them.
Why I pushed them away.
I didn't deserve their love.
They refused.
He hugged me.
He held my hand.
It was real, he cared.
She held my hand.
It was real, she cared.
Told them about how I hated everything I did.
How I hated myself.
How I hated that I felt I didn't deserve them.
I hated how I hurt them.
Hated how I hurt her.
She stayed with me.
She stayed while I died.
Stayed while I suffered.
Through everything.
While the streams flowed down my face in torrents.
I lay beneath the golden yellow leaves beside the bank.
The cold wind whipping at my wet face.
It would have been a nice place to lay forever.
Forever alone.
I wasn't alone.
I never have been.
Just blind.
But I don't want to leave anymore.
I want to stay.
Try again.
Try again.
With them by my side.
My confidence.
Loves.
Friends.
She got angry and it made me so sad.
She got angry because I was being foolish.
It made me want to die.
Then I told them everything.
And they listened.
Someone finally heard me.
In detail.
They responded.
Loving, sympathetic.
I picked my hollow body from the sweet fall scented ground.
To face the ridicule.
The faces of cold unsympathetic ridicule.
There was none.
I hugged her.
Longer then I should have.
But not long enough.
Never long enough.
I breathed deep.
Wondering if I could breathe her in.
Keep her.
My tears vanishing with every exhale.
It felt good to breathe again.
To be again.
