Your Choice

Im still not feeding into your painfully unhealthy games.

The facts are:
I know I love you very very much.
I know I have done a poor job of proving I love you.
I have always wanted you in my life.
I always will want you in my life.
I will always want nothing but the best for you.
I know how important having your own family is to you.
I know you want to show the world how loved you are by your family.
I know you want to belong and to be loved unconditionally.
I know you are and will always be a good person/wife/mother.
I know you are not a mean-spirited or spiteful person.

Those are truths that will never change, no matter how much you may argue against them, or wish for them to change.

That being said, let me remind you of what took place during our last, last time.

You wouldnt return my continued phone calls for days!
When you finally did call me back, the first thing you tell me about is being preg.
Now, was I happy? No. Did I hate you? NO! Did I even yell at you? NO! Did I tell you your life was over? NO! Did I say you should get rid of the baby? NO!
What I did, was simply ask you WHY you changed your mind about having sex before you guys got married.
Thats all I said before you started in attacking me and yelling at me. I was talking to you like an ADULT and trying to have another ADULT conversation with you, but you were so defensive when you called me. It was like you were looking for a reason to fight with me.
I tried to stay calm and work thru the negative comments, but then you put Derek on the phone.
I didnt ask to speak with Derek. Still, here he was confronting me for not being thrilled you two decided to get pregnant!
I was shocked you actually got pregnant. SHOCKED! I thought we talked about how difficult life would be for you if you had a baby at this point in your relationship. I thought you agreed having a baby would put too much pressure on you and on Derek.

Derek had already proven how he could respond to too much stress, by putting his hands on you. So he didnt break your jaw or give you a black eye, but he obviously had a difficult time remaining calm in a very stressful situation. After you told me about him getting physical during a recent fight, I told him it would never happen a third time. BUT, I NEVER TRIED TO RUN HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. I NEVER TOLD HIM TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK. I DIDNT EVEN TRY TO RUN HIM OFF. I did tell him if he did it a second time, there would not be a third, but thats far from telling him to get lost. I didnt like what he did and I would have preferred he get in his truck and ride off into the sunset, but I didnt tell him to leave you.
Why do I bring this up? Because I want to be very clear about why I didnt want to talk to him, while still trying to deal with you deciding to get pregnant.

Look at the way it happened. You called me and told me he hit you and you broke-up with him�FOREVER. You never wanted to see him again. You told me you were heartbroken but that you had to end it. So, I tried to give you encouragement and build up your self-esteem, but the next time we talked, you were back with him. Then the next time we talked, YOURE PREGNANT! Im sorry but it was just a bit much to process all at once. Did I think you would be a good mom? Absolutely. Ive never doubted you would be a great mom. The reason I wasnt jumping up-and-down over the news was because it was from so far out in left field, I was shocked.

SO, you put Derek on the phone and I didnt want to talk to him. I was still trying to come to understand what was going on, and here he goes confronting me about not being elated over the news.

Look, I dont even know Derek. I probably never will. Maybe he is a great guy. Maybe he really is Mr. Right for you, but I was in no space to have any conversation with him, before I had a chance to get through the conversation with you.

Did I mean to upset you? No. I was just so shocked because of all that had happened recently and on top of that, our wonderful conversations we had in Florida about waiting on babies until you and Derek really had the chance to be a married couple for a few years. Things like taking vacations together and having fun together without having to split your time up between being a mom/dad and wife/husband.

Is there anything wrong with being both? Not at all. But being a mom/dad leaves very little, if any, time to devote to your spouse. I knew the kind of mom you would be and I knew you would be totally involved with your baby 24/7.

Anyway, all that being said, I was not EXCITED for you and Derek to be having a baby. BUT, that didnt mean I didnt love you or that I wanted you to be unhappy. You gave me all of about 3 minutes to come to terms with EVERYTHING and Im sorry, but I just needed a little more conversation before I could understand what was really happening.

Now come the comparisons to Aprils situation. I love April very much. She is a great person and a wonderful part of my life. But, while her being pregnant was not good news, it was not my place to be another adult in her life trying to give her PRACTICAL advice. She had her mother, father, step-dad, grandmother, friends and everyone else she knew giving her the third-degree about getting pregnant. She wasnt looking for advice or help from me as her dad, she was turning to me for emotional support. I wanted to be there for her in a way her dad wasnt. I wanted to let her know her life wasnt over just because she was having a baby. Because that is EXACTLY what her DAD told her, YOUR LIFE IS OVER! So, yes, I tried to be positive and supportive from the start when she told me, but I wasnt THRILLED and OVER-JOYED at her news either.

Now look at your situation. You mom has shown you having babies is wonderful and a true blessing. So, Im sure she didnt give you anything but happy feelings and best wishes. Thats great. You know how I feel about her and Im glad she doesnt get too worried about the practical side of having children. But how could I help you by acting like everyone else in your family telling you it was just the greatest thing?

The truth is you have never thought about me as your daddy and while that hurts me, I understand that would never be my role in your life. So, if I wasnt going to be your daddy, then the next best thing would be your life-coach. NOT BEST FRIEND! I wanted us to be close friends, but friends sometimes tell you what you want to hear and not what you need to hear. I wanted to offer you practical advice and help you see all sides of an issue before you decided which way to go. I knew you were going to get pissed at some of the things I would tell you, but I honestly believed I could make a difference in your life by showing you sides of situations your parents were not showing you. No, Im not saying they are stupid. But everyone has a certain perspective of things and I know your mom wasnt going to give you the PRACTICAL perspectives. Again, that doesnt mean she was wrong or mean or anything. I just wanted to give you a different perspective.

But I never got to finish. I was expecting you to say, Hi. Sorry I havent returned any of your calls/texts. I was just a little too busy or I was just nervous to call. But nope, you hit me with, Ive got some news for you. Then it went down hill from there. Then Derek got on the phone. Then it really went bad. I told him I didnt want to talk to him and asked for you to get back on the phone. Why dont you want to talk to me? he said. Again, this was like provoking me into a fight and instead of just hanging up the phone, I said, Because youre an idiot. Then all hell broke out. You went right off the deep end, just like you always do when we get into an argument. You never have been able to just fight or cuss me out. No, when we argue, you go right to the, Youre not my dad. I never want to see you, again. You abused me. Youre fat. Youre never going to see any of your grandchildren and Im never going to tell them you existed.

The conversation fell apart like this: So, do you want to be part of my family or not, Bill? You asked me if I wanted to part of your family? What kind of question is that? After all that has happened between us, why would you ever even ask that question? You knew I wanted to be more to you than you would ever allow me to be. You knew how much I dreamed of being close to you. Asking me that question was just another way of you trying to hurt me. I never once said, or even hinted about ever NOT being in your life. You KNOW that is and has always been my DREAM. You know this, but you always throw daggers at me when you get angry. I feel like Im having a debate with you over a topic and the next thing I know you are dropping nuclear bombs on me. Just because I disagree with you or tell you Im upset with your behaviors doesnt imply I dont love you or that I dont want to be in your life or have you in mine.

But Ive said that over and over and over, again. Adults, especially adults who care about each other, have disagreements and argue without saying things like, I hate you. Youre not my daddy. Youre never going to see me again.
So, when you said those types of things, I chose not to even respond to them. I couldve jumped in and started yelling and begging and crying to convince you how much I really do want to be a part of your life, but Im tired of doing that every time we argue. Its not healthy to continue letting you believe that is appropriate or acceptable behavior. I chose to ignore your question and just let you go on and on until you said what you were going to say and then wait a few days for you to calm down and start texting me again.

The truth to all this is this�first and most important of all is that I want you to be happy. Thats it. I want you to be happy. If you are happier without me in your life, then dont include me. It breaks my heart and you KNOW thats the truth, but I really want you to be happy first, then include me in your life.

Youre in total control of this situation, as you have been from the day you turned 14. I cant make you do anything and I cant insist on you including me in anything. You know I wont stalk you and I have no desire to try and upset your family plans. In reality, I was only going to get to look inside your life, not be a PART of it, anyway. NO, Im not trying to get sympathy, just telling you what I believe. But I still wanted to have as much as you would give me, and I was THRILLED at getting even a text.

To bring all this to a conclusion, Im almost 40. I have little else I can tell you about me, the past or about my feelings for you, your mom or your new family. I tried to be what I thought you wanted, needed or hoped for, but I failed. Im very sad about that and always will be. There are a million things Im sad about when I think of you and your mom. But as terrible as I feel inside, I still have to go on with life because there are still people who depend on me. Ive made mistake after mistake and Im sure if given the chance, Ill make more. But I feel absolutely at peace because I KNOW Ive had the best of intentions and have tried to please others first, then myself.

Im not trying to find you and Im not going to try.
Im not pumping April for information about you.
Im not going to try and disrupt your family life at all.
Im not going to try and contact you or any member of your family.
Im not going to try and let your children know I exist.
Im not going to tell lies about you to anyone.
Im not going to try and locate your friends and ask them for information.
Im not going to try and contact Derek.
Im not going to put April up to calling you on my behalf.
Im not going to try and bribe you to letting me in to your life.

Im not�

Whatever you may be fearful of me doing, Im not going to do, nor do I have any plans to do in the future, nor will I ever. Not because I dont want to try and repair our relationship whatever that may have been. But because I want you to be happy. Period. Just be happy, Chelsea. If there are people in your life who make you unhappy, get rid of them or avoid them as much as possible. Life is just too short to put up with people you make you unhappy. If, in fact, I make you unhappy, then you have made a good decision by sending me your latest email. But�if there is any doubt about how much you hate me and want me out of your life FOREVER, dont burn the bridge. Take a good look at the situation to make sure this is truly what you really want. I dont live with you. We arent even neighbors. We dont see each other everyday we go to work. We dont go to the same church. We dont run in the same social circles. We dont hang out at the same places. We dont see each other at family get-togethers. So when you really look at how CLOSE we are without being forever estranged, its clear to see we are already far apart.

Look at what youre turning away from. Make sure its really what you want to make yourself happy. If you still want to have no contact with me, its your decision. But you will have to live with knowing YOU made the choice. Not me. Not your mom. Not your dad. Not your husband. Not your grandmother. Not your aunt. Not your friends. YOU MADE THIS DECISION. If kicking me out forever turns out to be a good decision for you, then we both win because youre happy. If its a decision youre making just because youre made or hurt, wait until youre in a better frame of mind. Put the decision on hold for a while. Dont let your emotions dictate your decision.

Well, there ya have it. Thats the truth from start to finish.
I never 1 time ever told you I didnt want to be in your life.
I never 1 time ever told you I didnt want you to be part of my life.
I never 1 time told you to get rid of the baby or your husband.
I never 1 time told you to get rid of anyone in your life.
I have no control over what you feel, think, say, do. You are making every decision about your life. As it should be.

I love you and always will. No matter what happens.

Bill