An Apology To A Harsh Release.

An Apology To A Harsh Release.
By:Paula .C.

No longer are my emotions bottled, my pen bleeds instead.
It's black ink staining the perfect page, like the tearing emotions stained my heart.
It's so much easier to push the pain away, only allowing them to sink in when my pen presses upon a fresh sheet.
My tears soak into the parchment, blood from the millions of wounds staining the innocence, as it becomes an emotional
abyss, as I pour out all the pain confusion, insecurities, desperation; everything from a continuous list.
My last write was a release to a five month lie, that lie that shatter me for days, before I could release what I couldn't push away.
I was hurt.
The one I loved, and trusted, lied to me for 5 months. 56% of our relationship...and I felt betrayed.
My mind was a jumbled mess of emotions, I couldn't no matter how hard I tried sort them out.
I only knew three things for certain.
1. I still love him with all my shattered heart.
2. I was hurt, and the pain was excruciating.
3. I still trusted him completely...
The fact I still loved him wasn't surprising, I couldn't see myself without him. Couldn't picture going a day without seeing his bright smile,
or looking deep into his intense eyes and see the love shining for me there. I love him, and knew I would forever.
The pain was unbearable, it hurt so bad. I couldn't take it, the numbing feeling could only dull the pain, and only for a little while. I didn't know what else to do
so I pushed it away... not allowing myself to dwell on the confession... the pain, the insecurity's. And I began to soak in every ounce of happiness i could
savoring and hiding it away as I prepared for the fall that was sure to come in the near future.
At first I didn't think I still trusted him. I thought I was too hurt...and betrayed, but after it came down to a moment of trust... when he started promising
again I realized I did, that I had never stopped... People might see me as stupid, other's as pathetic and sad, but the way I see it... Is I have no
life without him- so why go without trusting him when I can relish in our happiness... trusting my love to be strong enough for the both of us.
And so 10 days later...
I sit here writing this, my pen tainting a fresh page, not for the release of pain or sadness, but for an apology.
The one I love unconditionally and rely on to keep me breathing, lied to me in attempt to hide the painful truth. He didn't lie for his own good,
he lied in hopes to keep me happy when his attempts to not fall to temptation failed.
One of the things that hurt me the most, was the thought that more than half our relationship was a lie, because all those times... when we laughed and
smiled were all in the presence of his untruthfulness.
'A Five Month Lie' got pretty harsh. Most of it coming from the hurt and confusion, that I couldn't sort through. But now I have, and I feel awful for
writing what I did. Our relationship wasn't untrue because you lied. Your lie just let me live in a dream, were my fears weren't coming true. It was an
excuse for me to smile instead of cry... You did what you did cause you loved me, and didn't want to see me in pain again...
Thats why I have to say sorry, and hope that you can forgive me...
And I know what your gonna say 'Their's nothing to forgive' you'll feel guilty and sad... and I don't want that. After all I do the same thing as you...
Just like your actions taint my happiness, so to does my pain taint these innocent pages I continuously write on..

08/02/09
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As you can tell, this is the poem following A Five Month Lie. Please comment and vote.

Thanks, --Elly