The beginning of this poem left me in a state of confusion. The scorpion metaphors did that. But as I got on towards the end, I realized the secret. How you tried to be a friend, but wanted to be the lover. Desired love?
Well if so, this was a great poem. I could definately see it as a song.
5/5

Nix, I've truely fell in love with this piece of poetry. I don't know wether to be stunned or shocked. This piece was the most beautiful love poem i've read in such a long time. Thank you for touching my heart deeply. I appreciate it.

I'm still quite shocked that you wrote a love poem. I knew you could write them but this is a very rare occasion. The elegance and pure beauty written into this poem was breath taking. I've never found a love poem which can make me cry, you almost did that. That is amazing.

Once I had a secret,
had a secret and impaled
ring on unwilling silence,
obligating myself to eternity
with static mystery of mine...

Those lines were touching they left me wondering about this secret which you have so fondly talked about. I liked the supsense you painted into this love poem. Stunning.

Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice. Three times.
Eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal,
nine times.
No, eight times,
eight or zero?
Or it was eight hundred times?

As soon as I read the stanza above that it where I started falling in love with this poem. The saddness portray within these words was capturing. Really grasped my heart. I can't explain how much I adore this piece but I am so glad i've read it.

Once, I told a lie,
twice,
when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth;
were that
under the summer birches
when this from shadows and glue
forged friend
got that secret,
and left birch,
and cause of its fragrance
all leafs,
nature,
and his nose
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.

How lovely. How magical. I felt so much emotion from this stanza. Just wow. I'm still in shock. Still stunned. This is definitly a favorite from you. I must say. Your ability to write love poems is amazing. I only wish you wrote them more.

I tried to stay
just a shoulder in a haze
which danced around her weak eyes,
your eyes,
did I accosted to herself?
Once,
twice.
I accosted to her each time,
and when I hated stars
and when I kissed stars;

You just drenched my soul in so much emotion. Wow. I don't know what to say. I really don't. I'm becoming lost for words.

I tried to stay just a shoulder,
never lips,
nor eyes,
I tried to banish anguish from your pupils,
but never to be the one for who you will anguish,
I tried to stay only a friend,
never a lover,
but once, I had a secret...

The ending was pure perfection.

This was a divine piece. Truely. This will be going on my favorite poems and i'm going to be nominating it for the weekly contest. You deserve it.

Thankyou for sharing this.

~Mel

Alright, it seems people gave you the detail for detail comment, so let me tell you what I thought. I normally hate love poems, absoteluty tired of the cliches they bring. But I like your writing which made a difference.

The filler words, I for example which is usually not needed after the first one or two times, combined with the unique description of love, the scorpion, which though dangerous in life is the sign of passion in the stars, the fact that you wrote disguise wounds with coal which though hides is also useful in everything, and the pro/con of hating the stars and kissing the stars, makes the filler words much needed to transition the poem from start to the finish, and that is brilliant on your part too.

Your short sentences of once. twice. Left an impact soaked into the reader, who may have to re-read the poem to get the full extent, before finishing with the ending which summed it all up and wrapped it up nicely of a friend who wanted more but stayed hidden, your last line of had a secret with the ... was the best thing I think for this poem.

Just a taste of romance.
Now I can't leave fantastically long in-depth comments,
but let me just say that this hint of raomance was a welcome change from all the dark ones of yours I have read.

Overall it was a nice write. The flow was a little rocky for me as well as the structure which I will explain later. The use of vocabulary and puncuation was good.

``````````

Once I had a secret,
had a secret and impaled
ring on unwilling silence,
obligating myself to eternity
with static mystery of mine...

^^I don't like the fact that you repeated the first line almost via the second line, that threw off the flow for me.

``````````

Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice. Three times.
Eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal,
nine times.
No, eight times,
eight or zero?
Or it was eight hundred times?

^^I must say that this is an interesting stanza for me. The flow is all over the place (in my opinion) and the way you worded it was quiet interesting.

Perhaps wording and breaking it up like this would help:

Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice, three, eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal.
Nine times, eight times or zero?
Or was it was eight hundred times?

``````````

Once, I told a lie,
twice,
when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth;
were that
under the summer birches
when this from shadows and glue
forged friend
got that secret,
and left birch,
and cause of its fragrance
all leafs,
nature,
and his nose
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.

^^Again I felt this stanza was all over the place and could of been shorter in length and had a better flow.

This is how I personally would have changed this stanza to flow better:

Once, I told a lie, twice, when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth.
Under the summer birches,
shadows and glue forged friend
got that secret and left birch.
The cause of its fragrance,
all leafs, nature, and his nose,
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.

``````````

I tried to stay
just a shoulder in a haze
which danced around her weak eyes,
your eyes,
did I accosted to herself?
Once,
twice.
I accosted to her each time,
and when I hated stars
and when I kissed stars;

^^Overall this stanza keeps the poem flowing from one stanza to the next. Still needs work like the above stanzas which I showed you how to fix (in my opinion that is)

``````````

I tried to stay just a shoulder,
never lips,
nor eyes,
I tried to banish anguish from your pupils,
but never to be the one for who you will anguish,
I tried to stay only a friend,
never a lover,
but once, I had a secret...

^^Very nice ending to this poem which holds great imagery through out.

``````````

Overall great write, keep up the great work.

Peace, Joe

Once I had a secret,
had a secret and impaled
ring on unwilling silence,
obligating myself to eternity
with static mystery of mine...

^^ Hmm.. I can see this isn't going to rhyme. Haha, I've been reading rhyming poems so it just through me off a bit, but it's okay. I love your wording here. And the "secret" part. Secrets in poems are amazing. It makes it more interesting, because the reader is wanting to know the secret so they keep reading. Hehe. Very creative.

Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice. Three times.
Eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal,
nine times.
No, eight times,
eight or zero?
Or it was eight hundred times?

^^ Wow. That stanza was definitely better than the first one with the imagrey! I loved how you compared yourself to a scorpion! The last line though, I think you need to reword it like "Or was it eight hundred times?".

Once, I told a lie,
twice,
when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth;
were that
under the summer birches
when this from shadows and glue
forged friend
got that secret,
and left birch,
and cause of its fragrance
all leafs,
nature,
and his nose
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.

^^ I didn't like this stanza as much as the first two.. I think it's a little plain and doesn't really sound that "poetic" if you get what I'm saying. It just sounds like you're telling a story.

I tried to stay
just a shoulder in a haze
which danced around her weak eyes,
your eyes,
did I accosted to herself?
Once,
twice.
I accosted to her each time,
and when I hated stars
and when I kissed stars;

^^ Yay, this one was better. I'm loving how you say "once" and "twice" in here. I don't know why, but it helps make an impact. I also liked the word "haze" it gives off that confused feeling.

I tried to stay just a shoulder,
never lips,
nor eyes,
I tried to banish anguish from your pupils,
but never to be the one for who you will anguish,
I tried to stay only a friend,
never a lover,
but once, I had a secret...

^^ Amazing ending.. it reveals the secret. You wanted to be the lover, but you were always just a shoulder to lean/cry on. Always the friend. I know this feeling, I'm sure a lot of people do. Wow. Your ending just blows me away for some reason.. I mean it's pretty simple, but it just "wow's" me.

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

I really liked it, the rhyme scheme was great.

What a picture you've painted there ... Wow ! simply beautiful..

This poem is truly amazing. I wish I had the ability to write as creativly and convey emotion as well as you can. I was totally floored when I read the ending. It was just so.. crushing as The Tasteless said. All in all it was just a jaw dropping poem. Congrats. Keep up the great work.

Overall, this is amazing piece. I think that this is the first love poem that you submitted to the site and honestly, I love it.

First off, this title fits the piece perfectly. I like the topic although I have to admit that I had to read the poem several times to fully grasp the meaning. Your metaphors are superb as always.

The repetition of 'once' 'twice' (and so on) is effective on some places but it threw me off on the others. I don't think that you should change anything about it, it just didn't fit the rhythm that I had in my head for this piece sometimes.

I like the choice of words from the beginning to the end, along with breathtaking atmosphere in every stanza.

The repetition of "once I had a secret" at the end is brilliant, it highlights some cycle of emotions.

All in all, excellently done.

I dislike going through the entire poem and discussing each individual part.
I'll just say, that as a whole ... it was dark, and beautifull romantic, with touches of sadness that I absolutely love in poetry.
It creates a rich atmosphere, and completely makes me feel everything you're feeling. That's what I like about your poetry DarkSpirit ... it always brings the reader right in.
The flow jumped a few times, but otherwise ... beautiful, DarkSpirit, and there's no other way for me to put it.

This is going down in my favourites.
Keep up the good work, my good poet friend.