Really good!
I liked the changes and repititions. I think that you were grasping with a couple of the words but they still fit and it's still very good. It flows and is very emotive.

Just a nit-pick with a typo u might /(or might not) want to change:

every second. every chance.
i would cheer of u gave me another glance
^^should be "if"

Well done.
Aish
xx