Comments : I wish we had, what we will never get!

  • 16 years ago

    by Nicole the Fairy

    Okay, lets start with;

    Stanza 1:
    'Lying in a field of flowers,
    & looking up at the gorgeous sky,
    being able to think about anything,
    I only have you on my mind.'

    -- Great introduction, loved it ;] Loved the rhyme, and the rhythm flowed smoothly in this stanza.
    But, in line 2, rather than say 'gorgeous' sky, maybe use a more simple yet elegant word (examples, 'cloud-filled sky', 'beautiful sky', or 'blue-tinged sky' etc.) Otherwise, and elegant stanza, great introduction to the poem.

    Stanza 2:
    'So much for thinking about anything.
    the sculpture of your face will not escape my mind.
    When my eyes close, i see your chocolate eyes.
    When i reopen my eyes, i see your smile.
    You just seem to always be there.'

    -- Great imagery here (line 2), as well as rhythm and use of metaphors (line 2 and 3), but in my opinion, I would have used only 4 lines, and kept it elegant and simple, but 5 is still good <3

    Stanza 3:
    'It seems our love is forbidden.
    No one will agree of the feelings we share.
    They judge us of our past,
    and never for what we will be.'

    -- Also an elegant stanza. Rhythm was well, although no rhyme!! But that is still fine ;]
    Liked how you have written line 3 and 4:
    'They judge us of our past,
    And never for what we will be.'
    ^ This shows, to me, that you were once judged with this 'boy' you mention ;] Also indicates the time value as well.

    Stanza 4:
    'Its seems our love is just as tragic,
    as when Shakespeare wrote his play.
    You are my Romeo,
    I am your juliet.
    Lets hope, the ending will change.'

    -- OMG! Loved this stanza! My favourite! But... only one but.. Shakespeare has written many plays! Maybe changing ‘play’ to ‘plays’ if this does not affect the rhythm/rhyme?? Otherwise, loved this MAJOR metaphor ;]

    Stanza 5:
    'In the field, I have nothing but time,
    time to think of this judging world.
    They need to see us for what we are,
    Not what we were.'

    -- Again, referring to the first stanza, which is great, and a good technique to use- reminding the reader that you are lying in the field thinking. Also like how you have repeated line 3 and 4 but not word for word-
    'They need to see us for what we are,
    Not what we were.'
    ^ Very well done.

    Stanza 6:
    'I love the way you say this will workout,
    Deep inside I know its not true, but I'll have that hope.
    I'll always have the hope for
    What I wish we had, but we will never get.'

    -- A great ending to the poem. Well done to this, and the techniques used. But, with the last line, you have said:
    'What I wish we had, but we will never get.'
    ^ To me, this is great, but maybe a little improvement, such as, 'The wish of what we had, and what we will never get.' < An example **

    Poem Conclusion:
    A beautiful poem, really enjoyed reading this and loved how it left a warm feeling and smile on my face. Just a few minor points, which I would consider looking at, but otherwise you have done well, with both writing the poem and also using the techniques to make a poem even better!
    And one other point, that you have started to rhyme in the first stanza, and there isn’t really much rhyme in the next 5, but still this structure is fine ;]

    Hope this helps <3
    Good luck <3
    All the best ;]
    5/5
    -- Nicole xx

  • 16 years ago

    by noha

    Waw, ts realy good i enjoy reading.
    nice flow and deep feeling of love.
    to have hope and cant get it
    to see dreams and you wish if come true
    i know how is this feel hurt and you did great jop to write these feeling, 5/5

  • 16 years ago

    by Dawn aka Dominique

    I love this poem! it has such a great vibe that would make me wanna read it over again

  • 16 years ago

    by elly

    This was so good t.t
    it reminds me of my two friends right now =/
    amazingly, he has brown eyes too. o.o

  • 16 years ago

    by Kianna

    This poem is great...i love it

    5/5 dah

  • 16 years ago

    by Empathy

    I really enjoyed the similes that appeared throughout this poem, and the poem in general is sweet, genuine, and hopeful. The emotion is expressed well. I like the reflection that you sort portray when you mention you are "in the field" how you can sustain the time held there because in those moments nothing else is evident. A very interesting write indeed. Great work.