I watched the sunrise today

by Gizmo   Apr 24, 2008


I watched the sun rise over the ocean today,
wrapped up in my own grief, I forgot the words you'd say,
you speak ever so softly, whispered breath to my ear,
'the sun may be beautiful, but not as beautiful as this girl here.

i'd laugh and jokingly push you, kiss your cheek,
today i'll sit alone, without no words left to speak,
i just miss you i don't whole heartedly understand why your gone,
to me you were a hero. i thought you were so strong.

your gone now, i'm alone and i'm scared i will forget,
that once upon a time, i fell in love with you b4, we even met,
just look after me Angel, watch over my step, i'll stay true.
cause no matter whare i am, i no i wil always be with you

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  • 16 years ago

    by Nix

    Can I say something totally honest in this comment and expect that you will not offend? I will be honest and this is just my personal opinion if I don't like something that doesn't have to mean that it is bad in everyones eyes, tastes are different so sorry if I sound harsh in this comment.

    I don't like the fact that you opened this poem with line which is nearly identical as a title. That left pretty negative impression on me. Second and third line of first stanza are interesting and you started to express emotions on nice way. I don't like the ending of first stanza cause you don't need words -here- and -this- at the same place.
    Second stanza has few punctuation errors, for example that stanza should start with capital letter which is foundation of any kind of punctuation, i should be -I- and when you used full stop in last line you had to capitalize first letter after it. Also if you tried to make whole poem rhymes, -strong- doesn't rhyme with -gone-
    I really don't want to offend you but I personally dislike whole stanza and I cannot understand that someone who writes poetry don't know that new sentence should start with capital letter.

    -your gone now, i'm alone and i'm scared i will forget,
    that once upon a time, i fell in love with you b4, we even met,
    just look after me Angel, watch over my step, i'll stay true.
    cause no matter whare i am, i no i wil always be with you-

    In my opinion this stanza was poor. You absolutely threw me off with it.
    first line:
    -your gone now, i'm alone and i'm scared i will forget-
    should be
    you're gone now, I'm alone an scared; I will forget, and you already used word -gone- you could be little more creative.
    second line:
    -that once upon a time, i fell in love with you b4, we even met,-

    ^Sorry for saying this but this line doesn't make any sense to me cause how can you fall in love with someone who you don't know? It seems that you wrote that only cause it rhymes with forget and forced rhyming is absolutely unnecessary and it just ruined the flow.
    Why, I simply cannot understand why you used slang? It simply isn't poetic at all, and is is really hard to write -before- Also -once upon the time- doesn't have any function there.
    Rest of the stanza is completely wrongly written in punctuation sense, also last line doesn't make any sense cause word -no- isn't word -know- and construction of that sentence isn't correct.
    All in all me and you clearly don't see poetry at the same way.

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