Inside A Troubled Mind

Inside A Troubled Mind

She couldn't remember the first time she'd felt this way. Isolated, trapped inside her own body, her own mind. It was a feeling she'd experienced too many times to count. If she could only let people see out of her eyes, or walk in her shoes, perhaps she wouldn't feel quite so alone. Even her mother, whom she loved dearly, did not fully understand her. She wasn't selfish; she didn't want the world. All she wanted for herself was a soul mate who understood her; a trustworthy man who, in turn, trusted her. She wanted someone who would earn her respect, and recognize it when she had earned his. She wanted a friend, companion, and lover, who would never let the excitement of their bond die. She wanted passion, and freedom; to feel comfortable enough to follow a whim. She wanted to be able, if she chose, to throw an air mattress in the back of her pickup truck, and make love in a thunderstorm. She wanted to feel as uncontrollable as the thunder and lightning crashing all around her. She wanted to feel a passion as unbridled as the rain and the driving wind. She wanted, also, to feel special; THE most precious thing in the eyes of her soul mate.

But she wasn't special; at least, not in her own eyes. Her eyes saw every flaw. She wished she was taller, and prettier. She wished she was a better person, a more confident person. She wished she was the kind of person that didn't get hurt by every man she'd ever cared about. Oh if she could only be that kind of person. But here she was, a thirty nine year old SINGLE mother, with a list of failed relationships as long as her arm. And THAT was the ONLY constant in her life.

WHY??? Why was she so unlovable??? She did all the things that a woman in the 21st century needed to do to make herself appealing. She even got one of those trendy, Pamela Anderson barbed wire tattoos. And yet, she still felt disconnected from the rest of the world! She knew nearly everybody in the small community she lived in, but that didn't help her feel like she fit in! She volunteered at her local church, while holding down a full time nursing job; and it STILL wasn't enough! She did not feel accepted by her peers; and the men she dated continued to disappoint her in the end. Relationships would last anywhere from six months to a handful of years; time that she would never be able to reclaim. And that damn clock was relentless. Time just kept marching on.

She was beginning to think it would never happen. Maybe she was as tarnished as she thought she was after all. Perhaps her efforts at hiding her true identity were in vain. What if she couldn't hide all those flaws she saw in the mirror every morning? What if the clothes weren't enough to cover them? What if the make-up, the hair styles, or the tattoos weren't enough to hide who she really was? Oh God...what then? Was she destined to be alone at 72, like her mother? Lord how she prayed that Mom would find someone. Perhaps if her mother could find true love, there might still be hope for her. But time has turned her into a cynic. God knows who she really is! That's why she's never found what she's been searching for. The Lord knows her every flaw, both physical, and those in her character. HE sees what she sees! But is that really what GOD looks at?

Does God determine how tall a person stands, based on the distance between her head and her toes? Does the Lord measure a person's beauty by the number of wrinkles around her eyes, the size of her nose, or the measurement of her waist? Is God impressed by a well tailored suit, or a skin tight dress? In the end, His opinion of us is more important than whoever it is we're dressing up for.

"If you only knew what I've done in my life! There's no way God could ever love me."

Would you like a crying towel to go with your whine? The Apostle Paul assisted in the killing of one of Jesus disciples; a man named Stephen, who was full of faith and did great wonders. So how horrible was your crime? Was it as bad as Paul aiding in the murder of one of God's anointed? What part of hell do you think Paul is roasting in? But then, he's not in hell at all, is he? He was welcomed with open arms into the kingdom of heaven. Imagine that. The Lord does not weigh our deeds, He weighs our hearts. So what were you saying about God not being able to love you?

Of course, she was already aware of scriptural teachings. She'd been a frequent parishioner at her local Baptist Church for years. It was simply easier to justify her misfortune, by assigning responsibility to an outside source. It was fate, karma, bad luck, or God that brought her to this juncture in life. Anything but the truth; and that was as simple as a poor choice.

She just wanted her dream to come true so bad, that she married the first guy she got along with. He was handsome, and popular, which is probably why he couldn't settle down with just one woman. Looking back, she couldn't understand how she missed the signs. He was all about leaving impressions. At first, she liked the way he flaunted her. It made her feel pretty, and desirable. But all he wanted was to impress his friends, and he couldn't do that by being a one woman man. His infidelity devastated her. She began to feel that it was her fault; that she wasn't good enough to keep him sexually satisfied. She never even considered that it was because he had such a low opinion of himself, that he NEEDED the approval of his friends to feel better about who he was. The signs had been there from the start, she just chose to ignore them.

Her second husband was more of a rebound than anything else. Here she was, a single mother who had been rejected by her first husband, receiving attention from a handsome, and exciting bad boy. It was lust at first sight. When the magic wore off, however, she found herself married to an abusive alcoholic. After divorcing him, she bounced from one failed relationship to another, and each time, it was she who was betrayed. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER??? Why did this keep happening?

It was a pattern that went all the way back to her father, who left her and her mother, when she was just a child. She blamed herself for that too. Perhaps that was the first time she felt completely alone; she couldn't be sure. It's safe to say that it was the event that drove her to make the choices she had in life. In a subconscious effort to reclaim what she'd lost all those years ago, she chose men who had similar characteristics to those of her father. And so she relives the event, over and over again. It is a pattern that will not be broken until she lets her father go. She will continue to put herself through one broken romance after another, until she stops taking responsibility for her father's choices. No one makes another person's choice for them.

But this is the only life she's ever known. What if she met somebody special and he left her just like all the rest? Then it would be about her! Then she really would be defective! The pattern was safer; at least she knew what to expect. At some point, her lover would cheat on her, or abuse her, and she could be on to the next. That way, she wouldn't completely lose her heart to someone who wasn't like the other men in her life. She wouldn't be blindsided if he left her too. If she didn't take the risk, she would never have to feel the way she did when daddy left. She couldn't go through that again. Still, it would be nice to connect with someone at a spiritual level; to share each other's thoughts and dreams. Oh, if only true love were a sure thing; she might take the chance if there weren't so much to lose. But she sees another guy, just like daddy, at the bar winking at her; standing right next to her soul mate. And again, she chooses daddy. If she could only let people see out of her eyes, or walk in her shoes, perhaps they would understand why it has to be this way.