Smothered

This was a woderfully written poem. It truly touched me in a way I can't explain. It had so much emotion hidden in each line.

This is deep, but really good, maybe someday when i get older ill write something as well as this.

I know exactly how u feel about the screams i mean i hear screams in my head from everything that surrounds me and the way u put it into words how u put everything into words was just WOW i mean ive been writing for 3 years and i could never explain something so terrible in such a beautiful way if that makes any sense. i mean i have poems about how i want to die and/or escape from all of it but they're not as good as what u have written. you are a really great poet 5/5

This poem makes me feel very deeply because I feel that way...I love this poem great usuage of words..5/5

I can't disassociate myself from this endless eternity,
I feel like I'm smothered in a diminished fraternity,
Suffering as a pawn in a sadistic maestro's game,
All the while dodging ballistics flying at my brain,
`First line made me go, Eh -- "endless eternity" is a tad bit overused -- but as I continued, I found that the imagery here was absolutely stunning. Never seen those word choices used before "sadistic maestro's game" -- quite fascinating, and it really drew me in.

I swear I hear screams in my head as I fall asleep,
This life is anything but what it was meant to be,
I fear I'll die if I lay and let my thoughts creep,
Because shattered hopes and dreams are all I see,
`For some reason, "head" seems like a weak and awkward choice, but then there aren't many other words to replace that. The diction here though, I adored. The second line stuck out beautifully -- a very universal thought that we all share at one point on our lives. The rhyming of "see" and "be" made me frown though.

All the feelings of being alone for so long,
All of these things trying to destroy my brain,
`Repeat of brain ... And these two lines just didn't do it for me. I felt they were flimsy, and I had the urge to twitch...

All those empty promises that turned out wrong,
`But I like this line very much. I don't know why, I just do.

Seem to be succeeding as they drive me insane,
`Hm, I think this stanza ... The syllabication makes it awkward. It starts out Eh, and ends with a (good) Hm.

I search frantically like a man who has lost it all,
Silently screaming insanity in my head as I fall,
`Reuse of head ! I don't know why, but it bugs me. Captivating lines though, if I do say so myself.

Images of death and misery are quick to be a friend,
But friends like these - will lead me to my end,
`The "a" stuck in there dents the flow. Just mildly, but for me, noticable.

Following broken hopes to darker paths of destruction,
I'm lost and can't find my way back to myself,
I'd cry tears of joy if I could just find one instruction,
Praying every night, "Please god, just leave it on the shelf"
`That last line ... felt like a forced rhyme. I like the imagery it depicts, but still: forced. But the other three lines? Absolutely amazing. Last line aside, my favourite stanza. It portrays most teenage years of one's life to me -- and many of the adults in this world's strife, all the same, which makes it stunning.

But I'm already crying, depressed and alone in my room,
Still I'm lost, surrounded by a cloud of gloom,
Finally finding a sprinkle of life as it's uncovered,
But it's far too late now - I've already been smothered.
`Gorgeous ending. But the beginning -- with "room" and "gloom" -- I laughed. At the word choice. It's kind of funky. "Alone in my room" just doesn't seem needed, but there must've been a reason for it so *shrugs.

Overall, it was pretty darned good. Very striking -- a universal portrayal of life, although maybe most aren't this ... I don't want to say dramatic, but I can't seek another word at the moment. The diction, at times was amazing, and at others...not so much. All in all, though, worthy of much praise.

--..__MiNDYY