I've never dreamed

I've never dreamed of sun,
I've dreamed of rain.
I've never dreamed of fun,
I've dreamed of pain.

I've never dreamed of doing things that are great,
I've dreamed of doing things that are really bad.
I've never dreamed of you-being my mate,
I've dreamed of me-making you really sad.

I've never dreamed of my wedding, becoming someone's wife,
I've dreamed of my funeral and all the things people would say.
I've never dreamed of having a baby, growing a life,
I've dreamed of living all alone every single day.

I've never dreamed of having a friend,
I've dreamed of being alone as I sit and cry.
I've never dreamed of being "on the mend",
I've dreamed of being "unwell" until I die.

I've never dreamed of a new year,
I've dreamed of finally being dead.
I've never dreamed of this ever being fair,
I've dreamed of the bad thoughts inside my head.

I've never dreamed of being normal again in this lifetime,
I've dreamed of resting in peace, in my life after death.
I've never dreamed of a mountain I could ever climb,
I've dreamed of deciding, that this is my final breath.

(written January 2007)