Comments : We wont get caught

  • 16 years ago

    by June

    A great write and one I can relate to ,unfortunantly more often than not most do get caught...that or you can not go on hiding the way you feel ,keeping at a secret and the only thing to do is to own up....before you hurt all those involved.

  • 16 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Very intense and emotional from the beginning to the end. You expressed your emotions on a great way and I could really feel everything that you described.
    I have one suggestion: Maybe you can try to use filler words as 'my' and 'your' 'you' less through this poem because it would sound so much better if there weren't those repetitions through the whole poem.
    All in all, good poem.

  • 16 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    Warm tears slide down my discouraged face,
    my hands shake thinking of your eyes.
    Quaking breath escapes from the pit of my lungs,
    my heart beats rapidly then seems to die.
    `breaths ** Very intense ... a pulsating heart that just fades out. It's a pretty image. And the shaking of the hands ... it leaves the reader wondering whether it's with anger or with pain?

    Quivering lips move rapidly trying to ease the pain.
    Nothing will fill this vacant opening in my heart,
    except the tenderness of your warm fingers.
    Against my cheek they should glide and never part.
    `I adore this stanza. It's so charmingly sweet. I'm sure many people can relate this longing for their loved one's touch and that that touch will never have to leave again. Makes me think back to old memories.

    Just hold me tonight know one needs to know.
    `no instead of the first know .

    My love for you is illegal in the publics eye,
    `illegal ... it sounds out of place to me. Try finding another word?

    Kiss me like you know you have always wanted to,
    My nerves need it or they might die alone tonight.
    Please whisper in my ear and make me feel alive,
    then kiss me on the forehead and tell me it'll be alright.
    `Such sweet words ... I faltered a little as old remnants of a forbidden summer seeped through my mind and invaded my vision. You just brought back emotion I forbid myself to ever touch. I love this stanza, too.

    It's an intense, silent ending. Pretty luminous too. It's actually quite appealing, the way your emotions are expressed. Just work on your diction. This one is one of the better ones I read tho.

    --..MiNDYY